Sarah Silverman is this stand-up comedian who's been in a bunch of shitty shows: Saturday Night Live, Hollywood Squares, that Meet the Feebles rip-off Greg the Bunny, and one of those stupid Star Treks.  She's also like the hottest female theoretically possible: she's got a kickin' bod, long dark hair, a cute little overbite, and flawless legs.  Best of all, unlike most stand-up comedians, she's actually funny.  Example: "Ten things Men Don't Know About Women #5: The 'menstrual cramp' is a made-up phenomenon.  Like the Holocaust".  Now that's fucking comedy.  If she wore a Catholic schoolgirl uniform and beer came out of her nipples, she'd be the perfect woman.

#2: The Baroness

(Anastasia DeCobray)

Okay, everybody knows that evil chicks are hot, and everybody knows that the librarian look is hot, so when an evil terrorist babe wearing specs and sporting a goddamn 36-12-32 figure barges in and starts waving a gun around the only smart choice is to let her handcuff you to the bed and hope that riding you like a ferret in heat is part of her diabolical plan to wipe out that annoying G.I. Joe team once and for all.

Dana Plato started out in a sit-com called Diff'Rent Strokes.  I don't remember much about this show except that a little black kid always said "What choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (that's what passed for comedy in the 1980s).   In one episode, though,  Dana's hair turned green.  After the show got canceled, she got strung out and did some crimes.  She tried to make a comeback by starring in a shitty "real video" video game (where she sat around in her panties until a slasher killed her), posing for Playboy, and starring in a porno (Different Strokes).  Then she OD'ed.

Awesome.  You can't get more punk rock than that.

#4: Jayna the Wondertwin

Underage.  Spent most of her cartoon career in bondage.  Can change into any animal she wants.  That covers most of the kink bases I can think of.  Check out the Shrine to Jayna here.

Art courtesy "T-Dog" http://www.tdog-art.com/

Megan Pringle was a newscaster on the local FOX station when I lived in Toledo, Ohio.  How appropriate.  Here's a poem I wrote about the sexiest news chick ever:

Megan Pringle

Oh, Megan Pringle

Your smile makes me tingle

You're on the News at Ten

Even though they always put you at the end

With stupid shit like dogs that help the elderly

And a fire-fighting grizzly

Even though they don't recognize your talents I do

And if you were on my network you'd be

Covering major news events in a bikini

And make 50 million dollars a year

In short, I love you Megan

P.S. I am not a stalker

Who knew there were chicks this hot in Kansas?

"I'd be honored to be a cool chick, just don't make me sit next to that Christina Aguilera bitch, okay?" -Molly

#7: Winnie the Witch

The old horror comics always had some supernatural narrator with a retarded name, usually a creepy-looking old guy, a skeleton, or a hot babe.  But only Charlton Comics,  a crappy little also-ran, had the brains to mix the sexy horror hostess with like the eternal appeal of the slutty nerd chick.  There's maybe a dozen people on Earth who actually remember this broad, but with that awesome skull garter and those geek glasses I'd take her over a dozen Elviras any day.

#8: Lydia Lunch

You know those chicks you meet on the scene (whatever scene is in these days- I wouldn't know, I don't have MTV) who got raped by their fathers, have been living on the street since they were 10 or whatever, are all strung out on shit most people haven't even heard of, and completely flip out at the like slightest provocation and start throwing your records all over the apartment?  Those chicks usually disappear after a while, but if you ever wondered what they eventually turn out like here's your answer: Lydia Lunch.  Lydia's churned out some good tunes and used to be pretty much the hottest chick on the planet, but her whole I-hate-myself/all-men-are-scum/ look-at-my-tits shtick is kinda creepy now that's she's middle-aged.  I'd still fuck her though.

There are tons of hot redheads in comic books because comics are like a fantasy medium.  In real life of course redheads tend to be real stick-fetchers.  Of all the redheaded characters I could have picked, Shanna made this list mainly because of her outfit, which may not seem to be like the most practical thing to be wearing in a jungle, but then you've probably never screwed a hot redhead in the jungle.

Asia started out playing a 14-year-old party girl in one of her dad's junky wop horror flicks, and she was so fucking hot then I could barely stand it.  Now that she's old enough to take her clothes off she's made quite the career for herself posing, modeling, and in general being professional Eurotrash.

#11: Victoria "Posh Spice" Adams

The only "Spice Girl" (remember them?) worth looking at twice is like the ultimate triumph of brunette over blonde, short hair over long, and legs over boobs.  Not to mention looks over talent.  Posh has been Mr. Satanism [dot] com's unofficial cheesecake since day one, and also stands as irrefutable proof that God is a man.  Or a lesbian.

Oh, Poshy... if you only had a brain- you would have been #1.

I'm no fan of Christina Aguilera/Britney Spears-type music by any stretch of the imagination, but you gotta admit they're nice to look at.  While they're both humpable in their own way, I have to side with Christina, who carries herself like she wants cock and doesn't care who knows it.  You go girl.  That Britney "I'm America's girl-next-door" bit makes me puke.  Here's a newsflash, Spears: We want to fuck the girl next door, not listen to her sing about Pepsi.

Crystal Bernard looks a lot like a girl I had a crush on in the 7th grade, so she makes the list as unlucky #13- unlucky because I didn't get to fuck that girl (or Crystal Bernard, for that matter).  She's also unlucky for being in those stupid shows It's a Living and Wings.  On the plus side, she was in Slumber Party Massacre 2, which was the best one (if that counts for anything).

Lead singer of the band Vice Squad.  Beki gets bonus points for: being in a punk band, having blue hair (sometimes), and wearing lots of leather.  Final score: 84 out of 10.

There are a lot of pop stars on this list, but Fiona is one of the only ones with any real talent, although I still wouldn't buy anything of hers unless I found it for less than 2 bucks at the used CD store.  She's also one of the three straight-up hottest chicks on earth, plus she has that "fuck the music world" speech she gave at the 1997 MTV Music Awards going for her, which is way cool.  Her whole "bad girl" shtick was probably invented by her record label, but even when you see like candid photos of her she looks a little cracked.  I'll bet she's a monster in the sack.

Alanis isn't who most guys think about when they go in the bathroom for a long time and tell you later they were "sick", but I like her.  She reminds me of that chick you pick up like fifteen minutes before the bar closes and who gives you the best drunken animal sex you ever had in your life.  Even though she doesn't look as good in the morning, you always end up nailing her again and eventually dating her until something better comes along, at which point you drop her like cheap acid and she shows up at 4 AM and throws a stolen garden gnome through your windshield.  She beats up your new girlfriend, tells everybody you jack off to Animal Planet, and claims she tested positive for HIV just so you'll call her back. You usually end up marrying her.

I'm not gonna pretend I know or care what kind of music this chick performs; she combines my short-hair fetish with my girls-who-dress-like-it's-1983 fetish.  All we needs now are some condoms and a case of gin.

Martha Quinn was one of the first "VJ's" on MTV, back when it didn't suck ass, so she's close enough to being a pop slut.  She had that "best friend's plain older sister" quality that made even nerds think, "Hell, I could possibly tap me some of that."  Maybe being "theoretically obtainable" isn't like the highest compliment you can pay a chick, but I think it's fair to say she's left her mark: thanks to her there's still dudes out there who instantly shoot their load when a Flock of Seagulls video comes on.  I've heard.

The smokin' lead singer of Transvision Vamp, a junk-pop band from the UK.  I got all three of their CDs and Wendy's solo disc (which Elvis Costello supposedly wrote over like a weekend) for less then ten bucks (total).  I actually kind of like her stuff though; it's cheap and disposable, but still a lot of fun.  Especially when it's on top.

I like to watch Telemundo once in awhile, even though I don't speak Mexican.  The best parts are the ads for American stuff, because they always sound like this: "Gibberish gibberish gibberish gibberish Purina Dog Chow gibberish gibberish gibberish gibberish...".  But if this station has taught me anything, it's that all Hispanic women are super fucking hot.  So, in theory, I could put any Mexican chick here, but I chose Gloria because she's semi-famous and still dresses new wave even though it's the 21st century.  Plus she's just such a total whore.

The White Rabbit was a Spider-Man villain whose big gimmick was to dress up like a sexy rabbit and steal things from people.  She didn't even need to steal (she was independently wealthy or whatever)- she was just doing it for kicks.  It doesn't take many brains to realize that if you don't have any superpowers or skills and try to fight people like Spider-Man you're going to get your ass beat no matter how fucking hot you are, but any chick that fucked in the head willing to dress like this is definite Mr. Satanism material.

#22: Daphne Blake

Everybody wants Daphne.

Humpalicious Jen is best known for starring in the film classic Leprechaun. Unfortunately, she sort of dropped off the map after that.  Somebody ought to give her some sort of sit-com deal, maybe something where she plays a lesbian.

Nikki Cox got famous starring in Unhappily Ever After, a show just like Married with Children, playing the hot, bimbo daughter, just like Christina Applegate on Married with Children.  Of course, Nikki Cox is about a million times hotter than Applegate, and frankly Unhappily Ever After was way funnier than Married with Children; it was almost always surreal, pissed-off, and completely out of control, and as far as I'm concerned everybody involved with it was a fucking genius.  So next time you're looking at her boobs, remember: you're jerking off to a genius.

#25: Shelia

Sheila was the token hottie on the Saturday morning cartoon version of Dungeons & Dragons that came out in the 1980s.  She was a redhead who wore thigh-high leather boots and a miniskirt - we grew up fast in the '80s - and her outfit is probably the #1 reason people are still actually into that show.  It sure isn't because of the fucking unicorn.

Superman's great-great-granddaughter is such a total whore that her costume is a towel.   Fucking awesome- too bad they killed her off.  I'll bet she could crush your skull between her thighs like an overripe melon- and it would be worth it.

The only thing that could make this chickie hotter is putting her in a Catholic Schoolgirl uniform, so that's exactly what FOX did in that otherwise worthless sit-com Grounded for Life*.  She thinks she's a Scientologist, but hopefully she'll grow out of it- powder blue shirts don't look anywhere near as good as plaid on my bedroom floor.

* Actually that's not totally fair.  The mom was pretty hot too.

I got so fucking sick of hearing about the "partying Bush daughters".  They're dogs- the real White House babe was Chelsea...  If you think I'm kidding next time she's on the news or something check out her legs.  And who wouldn't want to ravage Clinton's daughter and do to her what her dad did to us for 8 years?  I wonder how something like that works anyway- does Chelsea tell the Secret Service guys to leave if her panties are hanging on the doorknob or what?

Note to the FBI: I am not stalking Chelsea.  (But if she isn't seeing anyone, give her my e-mail.)

Barbara Vigil, America's cutest kidnapper, abducted her own daughter in 2001.  They were later discovered in Costa Rica.  Some may question my declaration that a kidnapper is "cool", but she's fucking hot, and that's all the justification I need.  It's not like she killed the kid or something.

#30: Bible Girl

From the Christian adventure show (which is sort of like saying "from the Amish-designed web site...") Bible Man.  I guess my lust for Bible Girl is pretty ironic; if I ever meet her I'll probably totally get shot down, just like the time I got drunk and macked all over the lead singer of Raspberry Jam.  I never learn.

Addendum: They have a new Bible Girl now, but she's  nowhere near as hot as the original.  There is no God.

Ilona was the non-butch half of the lesbo vampire couple in the movie Daughters of Darkness.  She pouted a lot and spent most of her time with her clothes off.  Needless to say, that movie is awesome.

Crimes Against Humanity:  She's a vampire, so I assumed she murdered tons of people and drank their blood.  In the movie though, she doesn't do much of anything except sulk while her girlfriend hits on another chick.

Final Fate: This dork looking for some post-coitus coitus (he's a machine) drags her into the shower and she dies since vampires can't cross running water.  So does that mean you could kill a vampire with a garden hose?  That sure takes the edge off Dracula.

Crimes Against Humanity:  Robbing and murdering people (including nine cops) on a cross-country crime spree with her man Clyde Barrow and a rotating cast of hangers-on.

Final Fate: Riddled with bullets outside Plain Dealing, Louisiana.  As a final insult the car she died in got turned into a cheapjack sideshow exhibit, but Bonnie still  inspires books, movies, and tons of moronic couples who think they're in love to try and rob liquor stores.

#33: Irena Karlstein

(The Bare-Breasted Countess)

Crimes Against Humanity: Another vampire, Countess Irena fed on the blood and the sexual energy of the living in the Eurotrash flick Female Vampire.  On the plus side, she was cockier, hotter, and nakeder than Ilona (above).

Final Fate: While bathing in a tub of blood, a killjoy vampire-hunter apparently stakes her.  I say "apparently" because they never actually show it, and since this is a Jess Franco film, it's impossible to figure out what the fuck's going on anyway.

Satanik starred in an wop comic strip- she was an ugly scientist who drank a potion that made her hot, then, like all hot chicks, she became evil.  I don't know much more about her, since her adventures have never been published in the 'States and I don't speak dago.  There's a Satanik movie too, but frankly it's pretty weak.

Crimes Against Humanity: Various and sundry, including torture, murder, and, worst of all, leading men on and not giving it up.

Final Fate: I never read the comic, but at the end of the movie version she's in a car that rolls over a cliff.

Dirty Trixie (what a great, slutty name) was the bad girl on that asinine 1980s cartoon Hero High where she was always coming up with these inane schemes to screw over the other kids.  (They were a bunch of obnoxious, peroxide-blonde do-gooder faggots anyway, so I always rooted for her to win.).  There was an actress who played Trixie during these ive-action parts of the show too, and needless to say she was equally smokin'.

Crimes Against Humanity: Trixie was more annoying than evil, but in real life I suppose she would've gotten community service or something.

Final Fate: Her stupid shitty show got cancelled.

#36: Mary Bell

Crimes Against Humanity: Mary Bell vandalized a nursery, left behind creepy-ass notes about murder, then strangled two little kids to death.  She bragged about it so much that the fuzz finally picked her up, but then she played head games with them for like days before she finally got bored and confessed.  And she did all that when she was ten years old!  Years later she escaped from juvie and managed to give her cherry to a guy who picked her up hitchhiking before they caught her again.

Final Fate: Mary finally got out of the joint when she was 23 then pissed everybody off  when she cashed in by selling her story.  What, just the story?  No Playboy spread?

The original goth chick.  She's crazy, hot, always wears all black, and of course she's a lesbian.  So naturally she's taken in by a bunch of nuns.

Crimes Against Humanity: Alucarda befriends this innocent chick named Justine, turns her into a dyke, then strips naked with her and performs a blood ritual.  They pray to Satan, Alucarda tries rape a priest, and finally the nuns try an exorcism and Justine dies.  Alucarda is "rescued" from the nuns by a doctor, then pays him back buy seducing his daughter.  Justine rises from the grave to cause more trouble, but it all comes to an end when Alucarda uses ESP to destroy the entire convent.

Final Fate: If you're gonna burn a nunnery to the ground with ESP, you should really do it from the outside.

This sexy man-hating witch gave Superman all sorts of trouble in his second movie...

Crimes Against Humanity: Ripped a hole in an astronaut's suit on the moon and watched him die, tore up a small town for kicks, vandalized Mt. Rushmore, destroyed most of downtown Metropolis, and tried to kill Superman and take over the world.

Final Fate: After being tricked and losing her powers, she got punched out by that ugly skank Lois Lane and fell in a hole.

Dru is by far the sexiest Buffy the Vampire Slayer chick, primarily because she's so fucking batshit crazy.

Crimes Against Humanity: Killed and drank the blood of tons of people, including a Slayer.  Enjoys head games and torture.  Stole Angel's soul so he would become evil (twice).  Tried to destroy the world for kicks.  Went on to cause more trouble in the Buffy spin-off Angel.

Final Fate: I assume Dru is still kicking around- I didn't watch Angel.  It sucked.

For the record, the second hottest Buffy chick is Dawn.  I wouldn't even give Sarah Michelle directions to the bathroom if this was at the party.

Crimes Against Humanity: Her idiotic story arc sank this show like a rock.

Final Fate: Keep your fingers crossed and hope for porn.

Ally McBeal was a flaky, annoying twit who represented everything that's wrong with chicks.  Wouldn't it be great to pound Calista from behind and pretend you were sodomizing that stupid lawyer bitch?  Plus it would be interesting to find out if it really is possible to break a chick in half.

BEST ROLE: A junkie slut in a two-tone plaid skirt in the film Jane Doe, which fucked up royally by not actually showing Calista naked.

#42: Alyson Hannigan

I sorta sold Alyson short when I said Drusilla and Dawn were the hottest Buffy girls, but this is one of those cases where you have to like differentiate between fictional characters and real people.  For example, "Willow Rosenberg" is a fictional character that I would like to have sex with, but I can't because she isn't real.  On the other hand, I would also like to have sex with Alyson Hannigan, but I can't do that because of the restraining order.  So you see, it really doesn't matter either way.

BEST ROLE: "Michelle" in American Pie.  I wish I had gone to Band Camp.

#43: Chyler Leigh

I don't know much about this chick, but she sure makes a cute punk rocker, don't she?  She sort of reminds me of the girls I dated in high school, except she hasn't bottomed out in a Tampa alley and ended up in rehab yet.  Maybe when she gets more popular.

BEST ROLE: The punk chickie in That 80's Television Program, which stunk so bad I actually sprayed a name-brand-disinfectant-who-wouldn't-give-us-sponsor-money on my TV after I watched it.  But I tuned in every week, because sometimes we saw Chyler's legs.

#44: Mila Kunis

Since I included the That 80's Program girl, I figured I should follow up with one of the hotties from the 70's version.  Mila wins out because she's cutest and is willing to star in movies with William Shatner, like her...

...BEST ROLE: Crazy-ass bitch Rachael Newman in American Psycho 2, where she hacks up several people.  Mila makes for a smokin' psychopath, and I like the fact that this dumb sequel cheapens American Psycho 1, which, despite the blathering of your idiot friends, is a stupid piece of shit.

Clea is cool because she looks pissed off about 90% of the time, so they usually make her the "rebellious chick outcast" which is hot and goes a long way in helping us forget that she kinda looks like a boy.  Now don't get me wrong, I'd floss with her pubes any day of the week and twice on Saturday, but that doesn't change the fact that she could get more chicks than I do.

BEST ROLE: Little Witches, a rip-off of The Craft, but with sexier chicks who actually show us their tits.  Clea plays a hot little Catholic schoolgirl who helps summon a demon and then gets impaled by it.  Picture a naked Clea squirming around at the end of a horn and you'll understand why I've watched this movie 87 times.

Christa is another one of those "Hey- I could probably nail that!" girls (like Martha Quinn), except really you couldn't, because she's too famous to fuck you, you little twerp.

BEST ROLE: She was in Stepfather 3, but I actually liked her more in The Drew Carey Show, because her character slept with pretty much all of her friends.  I like chicks like that.

#47: Linda Cardellini

Linda is just hot.  But she's not cliché-supermodel hot.  She's more "best friend next door you should have asked out in high school but now it's too late" hot.  You're looking over your shoulder at your fat wife and thinking about that girl right now, aren't you?  Well forget it- I'm fucking her.

BEST ROLE: A hard call: she was the ultimate hot friend in Freaks and Geeks; she was Velma in those stupid Scooby-Doo movies (Note to moron producers:  Velma is not supposed to be hotter than Daphne.); and she was the horny Catholic schoolgirl in Dead Man on Campus who spent the whole movie screwing.

I just realized that this is my favorite actress.

I used to fantasize about Shannen when she played the teenage sister on that vomit-inducing show Our House, so you can imagine how much Kleenex I bought when she starting doing Beverly Hills 90125.  Supposedly she's some sort of "bad girl" who's hard to work with and shit, but I say if you look like this you can do whatever the hell you want and all the drugs are free.  At least that's the way it works at my house.

BEST ROLE: Actually, everything she's ever worked on sucks, except The Secret of NIMH, but I'm pretty sure you don't see her tits in that.

Addendum: A couple of crybabies have pointed out that Shannen was in Heathers, which didn't suck.  But it's a blatant ripoff of Massacre at Central High, so it doesn't count.

#49: Soleil Moon-Frye

Bet you're sorry you didn't watch that dumb show now.

Punky Power!!

BEST ROLE: When she got wasted in Pumpkinhead 2.

#50: Melinda (Mindy) Clarke

Speaking of trashy horror movies, Mindy Clarke was pretty fucktastic in Return of the Living Dead 3 as a punk chick who gets wasted, returns from the dead, and has to pierce herself with glass and railroad spikes to keep from eating her boyfriend.  But her BEST ROLE was actually on the DVD commentary track, where she bravely resists the non-stop come-ons of idiot special FX supervisor Tom Rainone.

This is why your grandfather read comic books.  Phantom Lady first turned up in like the 1940s and she spent a LOT of her time in bondage.  When they brought her back in the 1970s they toned down the bondage (weak), but at least she still dressed like a hooker who was trying to show off.  I don't think anyone who ever read these comics even knew or cared what her superpowers were.  I sure don't.

#52: Typhoid Mary

A good example of comic-book-think.  This chick has nothing whatsoever to do with typhoid- they just used the name because it sounded cool.  She either fights or fucks Daredevil in his comic (depending on what time of the month it is I suppose), and is a good guy or a bad guy depending on what high-school dropout is writing about her this month.  Still, ridiculous as she is, you can't go wrong with a combination of the half-white/half-black guys from Star Trek and the punk motif.  I'd fuck her.

Addendum: Some dumb bitch sent me a long e-mail about the original Typhoid Mary and wrote that she hoped that it would help explain why this character bears her name.  Uh, no, actually it doesn't.  Idiot.

Back in the 1970s Marvel Comics, the company that gave us icons like Spider-Man and Captain America, decided that they didn't have enough comic books about the Devil.  So they came up with "Ghost Rider" (about a demon motorcycle guy), "Son of Satan", and "Satana", who was a succubus that sucked the life force out of men after screwing them.  Her comic didn't last long, but she did pick up a small following among people who played Dungeons & Dragons and perverts, so later they brought her back in a goth-friendly teenage form.  I don't know if she still fucks and kills people, but I sure hope so.

I don't know a thing about this chick, but it seemed dickish to include the Devil's daughter and leave out his sis.  Plus she appeared in one of those old black & white magazine-size comics, which means you probably got to see her tits.

It may seem hard to believe, but once upon a time (the 1970s), there were hardly any Japanese cartoons in the United States at all.  Back then, if you wanted to see an underage cartoon Asian girl in a sailor suit get raped by a demon until his discharge blew a hole out her back, you had to draw it yourself.  And then when your parents found it you had to talk to "Dr. Mike" twice a week for six months.  I hated Dr. Mike.

Anyway, the one japanacartoon that we did have was Battle of the Planets which didn't actually have any battling planets but did have "Princess", who was sort of the godmother of the pink Power Ranger.  She was a cute enough outside of her costume, but once she got decked out to fight evil...  damn!  More proof that any girl becomes ten times hotter in thigh-high boots, a cape, and a miniskirt.  Except fat chicks.

A long time ago... before Star Wars sucked...

There was a Star Wars comic book: and it had psychic hamsters, a humanoid Jabba the Hutt with sideburns, a six-foot green talking rabbit, a delusional failed Jedi named Don-Wan, and a flashback story showing Ben Kenobi, Darth Vader, and Anakin Skywalker fighting side-by-side.  Obviously George Lucas and his camp were too busy doing whippits to pay any attention to what the comic-book people were up to, but that's alright because those same folks also gave us Shira Elan Colla Brie, the hottest piece of ass the Rebellion ever produced.  Once she got popular the cheapest cop-out they could've come up with would be killing her off, and the second cheapest cop-out would be making her a traitor.  So which did they do?  Both.  Fucking hacks.

#57: Lorelei

Lorelei was a Norse goddess in the comic book Thor.  Her big scheme was to make Thor fall in love with her, then she and his brother Loki could cause all sorts of trouble.  To get this plan rolling she had to put a spell on Thor because, apparently, being a fucking gorgeous strawberry blonde GODDESS wasn't enough to sway him (fucking fag).  Thor eventually figured out the plan (mainly by accident though, since he's as dumb as he is queer) and ditched her and later Loki got tired of her too, so she ended up with no dick at all.  Tough break, baby.

Power Girl has a ridiculously large rack, even by superhero standards.  She's the cousin of the Superman from another dimension, or something.  I fucking hate comic books.

Rita DeMara is actually the second "Yellowjacket".  The first one, Hank Pym, was supposedly a hero, but he had multiple-personality disorder, beat his wife, "accidentally" built a robot that tried to kill him and all his friends (multiple times), and almost got several people killed when he built another robot and had it attack the courtroom while he was on trial, in the hopes that he could "save the day" and get off scot-free.  I guess when your super-power is making yourself really small you might develop some feelings of inadequacy and shit, which is why it's a good thing this Yellowjacket is a woman.

From the Playboy comic strip "Little Annie Fanny".

The 1960s actually started out pretty cool: Mods, James Bond, parties at Hef's...  Too bad the stinking hippies ruined it.  I never warmed up to that vapid airhead Annie, but Wanda and I spent several nights on top of each other back in the day.  In the end though our art styles just didn't mesh.  I think the pic on the lower right is from an after-hours at the Mansion.

Looks don't count for everything, but they count for enough, so there was no way the hottest chick of all time was going to be left off this list.  Fortunately, she had her own web site so she was easy to find.  The people in charge of the Internet wouldn't give www.hottestchickever.com to just anyone, you know.

Note the short hair and alcohol consumption- two clues that a hot chick is also very cool, and should be invited to the next party.

"I'm a little shy when it comes to my Hottest Chick Ever status - don't want to shove it in peoples' faces or anything. However, I would be honored to be one of the Coolest Chicks Ever..."  -Heather

Addendum: Unfortunately, Heather no longer owns www.hottestchickever.com.  But she still is the hottest chick ever, so there's no need to update your Rolodexes.

A ripoff of the old Adam West Batman show isn't the last thing the world needs, but it's definitely somewhere on the list.  That didn't stop the people who made ElectraWoman and DynaGirl, but at least they had the good sense to put chicks in spandex costumes this time.  ElectraWoman was your typical 1970s blonde hag (somehow, having blonde hair and a face that could stop a clock was the key to instant sex-symbolism during that creepy decade), but DynaGirl more than made up for it.  Not only was she cute, but she had those convenient ponytails, which would make excellent handles if you wanted to... but let's move on.

Viva Nova's real name is Sarah, but when you spend a lot of time on the Internet, you get to pick your own name, like a superhero.  When she wasn't busy being really fucking hot, Viva found the time to be the Hotpunkgirl of the Week, and to put together her own site... which has since disappeared, just like Heather Kathleen's.  I guess girls just aren't good at the Internet.  But take a gander at those amazing (natural) breasts (and keep yer hands where I can see 'em).

As much as I didn't want to, I was planning on admitting that Lizzie McGuire was one of the coolest chicks ever.  After all, any girl who dresses like a cross between a new-waver and a colorblind gypsy and actually pulls it off has something going for her.  But when I thought about it I realized that something is obviously the actress who plays Lizzie, since she is, after all, cute enough to get me 20 years just for what I was thinking the first time I saw her show.  And Hilary pretty much clinched it when she told Disney to go fuck themselves instead of renewing her contract to make more Lizzie McGuire shit.  Anyone willing to chuck a career on principle is okay in my book, even if that principle is just that she wanted more money.

For those of you who are employed and can't sit around drunk watching TV in the middle of the day, Three's Company was a long-running sitcom about a guy named Jack who lives with a hot brunette (played by Joyce) and a blonde (there were a few different blondes over the years, of varying quality).  Jack had to pretend he was gay, otherwise Deputy Barney Fife would arrest him for not banging the holy hell out of these chicks until he passed out from exhaustion.  The big joke was that every episode somebody thought someone else was having sex, but it turned out they weren't.  Actually, that sounds like a typical Saturday night around here.  Anyway, for some fucked-up reason the first blonde on the show had a man face but still became this huge sex symbol, even though Joyce was way cuter and had the kind of legs that cause traffic accidents.  Joyce got the last laugh though, because they eventually threw that blonde off the show and nobody even noticed for almost two seasons.

#66: Faith the Slutty Vampire Slayer

I figured I might as well mention any other chicks in the Buffy-verse I'd like to do, which is all of them (except Anya, who looks like a horse stepped on her face).  Of all the actual Slayers on the show (by the last episode there were about a hundred of them), I liked Faith the best for the same reason that I like pizza rolls: they're hot & they're easy.  Plus she's brunette, and everyone knows that brunettes are automatically cooler than blondes.

And, okay, fine, Buffy is pretty cool too.  But there are plenty of pictures of her on the Internet already.

For some reason a lot of chicks seem to think Avril is ugly, which goes to show how much chicks know about women.  She's sort of a punkier, cuter Fiona Apple, plus she's always wearing ties, which is nice.  Note to girls: it's a total turn-on when you wear ties.

Now before you senior citizen punk rockers drop your collectable, colored vinyl in shock and start firing off nasty e-mails while tears of angry fall on your keyboard: no, I don't think Avril to be punk like, say, The Damned or Mission of Burma are punk.  She's more like "entry-level punk" for girls.  Most of them will forget her in two years, but like a small handful will listen to more and more punk, and that's where the punk chicks of tomorrow will come from.  So we should all be on our hands and knees kissing Avril's ass, which doesn't sound like a bad idea no matter how you look at it.

And let's face it, her first CD was a lot better than anything by The Offspring.  Those faggots.

Dani is the guitarist for an all-girl eye-talian punk band whose name I can't pronounce but who rock so hard you'll go fucking sterile.  I like her outfit too- why don't the chicks in Florida dress like that?  Oh yeah, I forgot- they all fucking suck.

I tried e-mailling Le Bambinos di Pizza a bunch of times because I wanted to buy one of their CDs, but they never got back to me so I just downloaded all their songs for free.  Stupid bitches.

Heh... "69"...

This one is really pushing her luck what with growing her hair out and doing those stupid makeup commercials, but her music is still reasonably solid, and Christ, look at her.

Plus it's fun to say "Imbruglia".

Imbruglia Imbruglia Imbruglia.

#71: Shirley MacLaine

Jesus fucking airborne Christ...  Chicks just don't get any hotter than this.  I say aging is total bullshit and should be made illegal right now.  Most people probably remember Shirley for being that flakey old lady who believes in reincarnation- but hey, if you used to look like this, you'd want another go-around too.

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  I couldn't remember one offhand, so I looked her up on the Internet Movie Database.  Supposedly she was in the original Ocean's Eleven as "Tipsy Girl".  I don't remember her, but I saw that crappy movie so I guess it counts.

#72: Dolores Fuller

This one used to ride the sideways elevator* with Ed Wood, who put her in shitty flicks like Glen or Glenda? and Bride of the Monster.  He was a transvestite, too, and sometimes worked their arguments about it into his movies.  After she got tired of being publicly humiliated, she bailed and ended up writing songs for bad Elvis movies.  A lot of people who like Elvis hate those songs, but Elvis was a hack anyway so more power to her I say.  Lately, she hasn't done much except turn up in trash like The Corpse Grinders 2.  What a total waste of a kinda weird-looking but majorly hot chick.

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  Glen or Glenda?, but only because we get to see her with her sweater off.  I wish she had still been hanging around Wood when he started doing porn- I'll bet she had awesome tits.

*Name the ludicrously obscure band reference, win a prize.

A great man (me) once pointed out that a movie with a monkey in it is only good if the monkey kills someone.  Movies with killer monkeys almost always rule, whereas ones with monkeys that do other stuff like drink beer with Clint Eastwood or stay at hotels causing madcap antics to ensue generally suck.  With this rule firmly in mind, the greatest monkey movie of all time has to be the original King Kong.  Not only does KK kill just about everybody, but he also hauls Fay Wray around after tearing off just enough of her dress to give us a gander at her awesome thighs and sexy bra, but not enough to get her scenes cut out of the movie (this movie was made in the 1930s, when being as hot as Fay was still illegal in many states).  Fay did a few other trashy movies, but she was never as close to naked in any of them as she was here.

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  King Kong.  Duh.

In the 1920s, Clara Bow was called "The It Girl" because it was tacky to call her "The I Want to Have Anal with Her Girl".  She pretty much invented the Flapper, which rates right up there with "Noir Dame" and "Drunken Goth Chick" in the history of cool chick sub-types.  At her peak, her out-of-control lifestyle put Mötley Crüe to shame, but after people got bored with her she ended up fat, married, crazy, and dead (not necessarily in that order).

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  I never saw any of her flicks, actually.  I tried to rent one from Blockbuster before I wrote this, but they told me they didn't stock any movies made before 1992.

Ann Miller wasn't a very good actress, but she had unbelievable legs so she got to be in lots of movies.  In fact, her legs were so awesome that people were still letting her make movies in the 1970s, way after anyone wanted to look at them.  Just their reputation was enough.

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  On the Town (1949).  When you get past the comedy and the song-and-dance numbers, all this movie is really about is three sailors on leave trying to get laid.  A premise like that doesn't gather moss- it turned up again in 1984's Weekend Pass, which didn't feature Ann but had a lot more tits.

#76: Bettie Page

It's such a cliché to like Bettie Page, but she's just so fuckin' hot...

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  Striporama, which was nowhere near as good as it sounds.

Chicks in the old days were smart- they wore their hair short, showed off their legs, and generations later people are still having sexual fantasies about them and worshipping the ground they walked on.  I saw a girl with an Audrey Hepburn bag just the other day.  Now that's staying power.  Nowadays we're stuck with broads like Julia Roberts, who has a mouth like a moray eel and so much forehead she should rent out acreage.  I hope "hot" becomes hip again before I'm too old to get it up.

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  Breakfast at Tiffany's, because Audrey played a whore.  That's right, you sappy, romantic airhead, she was a  prostitute in that movie.  Read between the fucking lines.

It's pretty easy to hate the frogs, but then they go and throw something like this at us and all is forgiven.  Of course, they haven't had a Brigitte Bardot in a long time, so feel free to keep reminding them how they pussed out in WW2 and that most of them smell pretty bad.

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  Most of her movies are French.  Do I look like a fag?

Stella Stevens has been doing movies since the 1950s, including; The Nutty Professor, The Poseidon Adventure, Arnold, The New Original Wonder Woman, The Manitou, The New Love Boat, Monster in the Closet, Invisible Mom, and tons more.

Best Movie I Ever Saw Her In:  She sure is hot, huh?

Elsie is the only chick in this set who wasn't a famous actress.  All she did was cut out some faerie pictures from a storybook, take pictures of them, and convince some of the biggest celebrities of her time that they were real.  In fact, there are still cretins who think that she took pictures of actual fairies.  Elsie was a cute, sexy, 16-year-old smartass whose ridiculous prank has had people making complete asses of themselves for like a century.  That fucking rocks.

#81: Nancy Downs

Movie witches were pretty boring before The Craft, but Nancy changed all that by being a sexy, angry, sorta-punk chick who used her witch powers to put together a coven of hotties and run amok because she was sick of being an outcast or whatever.  Of course in real life a chick like her would have been the most popular girl in school (in practice if not on paper) but The Craft is short on logic (just like it's short on tits) all the way up to the end, where the other girls beat Nancy down and she ends up in the booby hatch.  What a crock of shit.  Poor Nancy.

#82: Siouxsie Sioux

I remember watching Siouxsie slink around like a cat at the beginning of the "Cities in Dust" video and realizing I had just learned what it meant to be a man.  (For those who don't know yet, it means looking at hot girls you can never, never have, abusing yourself, then weeping bitterly.  Getting drunk at some point during the process is optional.)  The problem with most punky/goth chicks is that they're a lot less interesting when they get too old to dress like thrift-store sluts; fortunately, Siouxsie turned out to be good-looking for real, although I still think she lost something when she put away the fishnets and learned how to comb her hair.

Am I the only person in the world who thinks that the chick who got everybody killed in Blair Witch was just totally adorable (at least until she started crying and snotting all over herself)?  Probably.  I know if she asked me to go into the woods with her and a camera I would do it in a heartbeat, which means I probably would've also ended up getting sodomized to death by some ghost witch, or whatever the fuck was supposed to have been happening at the end of that movie.  I'll tell you what, though- at least I would've gotten some quality Heather ass before I went down for the count.*

* NOTE: I should probably point out that I'm totally talking about Heather Donahue the character, not Heather Donahue the actress.  See, the character had the same name as the actress because this movie was supposed to be real, and...

Fuck it.  The point is, if the real Heather Donahue is reading this, don't get your panties in a bunch, toots.  I'm not interested.

#84: Rockbitch

You can't pick just one girl from the Rockbitch camp, so they all tie at #84.  Rockbitch is a band of hot pagan babes who strip, do each other on stage, and even invite people fromt he crowd backstage for orgies when they're done rocking out.  If I ever got lucky enough to party with them I'm just fucked-up enough to wanna nail the girl in the monster mask first, just because you can't tell what she really looks like.

Rockbitch is the coolest concept for a band ever, and it makes all other chick bands look like, well, pussies.

Television's first "horror hostess" was fine as fuck, skinny as a rail, and looked like she was dead.  If she stole CDs or fucked my roommate behind my back she'd be exactly like one of my ex-girlfriends.  Vampira is mostly remembered for showing up in Ed Wood movies, mainly because every single one of her TV shows is "lost".  Come to think of it, it's possible she just made the whole thing up.  Even if she did though she was still hotter than all the floozies who've ripped-off her gimmick over the years.  Too bad she's an old hag now.

Elvira swiped her whole shtick from Vampira, but she added a couple of things to the package that made it a lot more successful.  Let's be upfront about this (ha!), we all know what they are.  El takes herself a less seriously, has cool taste in music, and even showed up in a Phantom, Rocker & Slick* video, so she manages to be cool in her own right, but she's reaching hag age, too, and really ought to knock it off.  That Haunted Hills movie was just nasty.

*  Phantom, Rocker & Slick were a Stray Cats spin-off band, sort of like when Duran Duran had all those spin-off groups like Power Station and Arcadia, except in this case no one cared.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're too young to be jerking off to Elvira or too old to be jerking off at all.

#87: Death of the Endless

Relax, I'm not going to get all pretentious on you and go into some rant about like embracing your final mortal disintegration and shit.  I just like cute goth chicks.

#88: Poppy Z. Brite

Not to be confused with "Rainbow Brite",  Poppy is probably the world's best-looking horror writer.  I'll bet it's not easy to scream "Poppy!  Poppy!" without cracking up when you're screwing her, but it sure beats waking up next to Stephen King.

#89: Dame Darcy

We've got horror movie chicks, horror writer chicks, horror hostesses, horror comic book chicks, and horror musician chicks.  Time for the horror cartoonist.  Dame Darcy, who makes comic books and weird albums, is quite probably the flakiest human being on Earth, unless it's all an act, which would be pretty disappointing- the world needs more hotties who are into comic books and sea shanties.  My favorite is when she dresses like a mermaid on stage, which is totally creepy-little-girly and super hot at the same time.  Normally only the Japanese can pull off that kind of weird-ass shit.

#90: Tori Spelling

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...  My eyes!  We've gone too far with this "horror" theme... dear God...

Ah, who am I kidding?  I'd fuck her.

The Go-Go's started out as little punkette tramps, learned to play by begging other rockers for lessons (and probably tarding those lessons for "favors", if you get my drift...), then somehow they became one of the biggest bands in the world and went so out of control they'd embarrass Caligula.  Best of all, they survived it with like no ill effects, which just goes to show that sex & drugs aren't as bad for you as your parents say.

The Go-Go's were: Jane the hot brunette, Belinda the cute blonde, and three other chicks who don't matter.  Jane edges out 'Linda 'cause she has short hair and still looks exactly as hot as she did in 1982, which is awesome and a little creepy.

Best Song: What was the name of that song that had the video where she was swimming around with all the dolphins?  I can't remember if she was in a bikini in that or not.  If she was, definitely that one.  Otherwise, "Vacation".

The other cool Go-Go is mostly famous for becoming this huge pop diva in the late 1980s, which is too bad because I think she was way hotter when she rolled around in fishnets wearing a garbage bag for a dress.  Still, you gotta admire someone who can pull off punk, cheesy pop, and adult contemporary all in one career.  Unless of course that person is Sting.

Best Song: "Fun with Ropes", for obvious reasons.

The best thing about Cyndi Lauper, besides her thrift-store outfits, of course, is that she sprawls.  It's like she doesn't know how to actually do a sexy pose, so she just throws herself onto the ground, bends her legs 'til they touch her back, and hopes for the best.  It looks ridiculous, but the important thing here is that she can bend her legs until they touch her back.  That more than makes up for her squeaky voice and annoying Brooklyn accent.

Best Song: Probably "Time After Time", except that was mostly written by The Hooters, so I'll say "When You Were Mine"...  actually Prince wrote that one.  Maybe "Money Changes Everything"...  only that was originally a Brains song...

Ah, fuck it.

#94: Gillette

Okay, I don't follow any of this shit, and I actually worked at a record store when these dumb songs came out.  As I understand it, "Mr. Personality" and "Short Dick Man" (which was like an anthem for fat girls who couldn't get laid for a while) were by Gillette, who only got away with it because she was fucking hot.  But then somebody told me the songs were actually by 20 Fingers, but "20 Fingers" wasn't really a band, they were like a production company or something.  Finally they put out a "Best of 20 Fingers", which had songs by all kinds of people, so my guess now is that they're some sort of hip hop commune- like hippies, but with more "finizzle" or something.  Meanwhile Gillette, whose legs were the only good thing about this train wreck, has completely dropped off the face of the Earth.  Damn I hate hip hop...

Best Song: "Short Dick Man" is funny for a few seconds, but it might be a bit less ironic if this chick had a bigger rack.

Even though Debbie Gibson was super annoying when she first started out, she ended up doing all sorts of cool shit: Skid Roper & Mojo Nixon wrote a song about her ("Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with my Two-Headed Love Child"), she sang "I Wanna Destroy You" live with the Circle Jerks, and best of all she grew up to be ten times hotter in her thirties than she was as a teenager.

Best Song: "I Wanna Destroy You" wasn't hers and she had help, so I'll be nice and say "Only in My Dreams".  She actually does a lot of musicals these days, but if you think I'm going to buy a Broadway CD by an 1980's pop star just so I get a cheap joke out of it, you overestimate my dedication to this dumb project.

#96: Madonna (Pop Tramp Days)

Madonna's re-invented herself like a dozen times, but fortunately in every version she's still a whore.  And I mean that with like the utmost affection.  While most pop hotties fade away, Madonna managed to keep making pop songs (ranging from totally forgettable to pretty good) and being naked (ranging from unbearably hot to old but still unbearably hot) for like twenty years.  And, best of all, she's pissed off just about everybody along the way.  That rocks.

Out of all the different versions, though, I still like the original pseudo-punk Madonna the best.  She got a whole generation of girls to wear black mesh, jelly bracelets, and slutty clothes, and even though I hate nostalgia I have to admit that the world was truly a better place when every chick in America under 25 dressed like this.

Best Song: "Like a Virgin" is still one of the best songs ever, especially when it's being moaned by a chick who's rolling around in bed and sticking her tits in your face.  Pornos wish they could be so hot.

#97 and #98:

Carrie & Jacqui (Shampoo)

Shampoo jumped on that lame-ass "grrl power" shit in the 1990s  but they kicked it up a few notches by making a record that actually rocked and made crap like the Spice Girls look even lamer than they already were by comparison.  Plus it would take all four of the bimbos from B*Witched to be half as hot as just one of Carrie's ass cheeks.

Best Song: Their whole first album kicks ass, but for like the sake of completeness I'll say "Delicious".

Vitamin C (Real name: Colleen Fitzpatrick) gets the vote mainly because of the Logan's Run outfit she used to sport.  Don't get me wrong, this chick would look good in potato sack, or even something from Abercrombie & Fitch, but for some reason that whole "I'm from the future and possible a sexbot" look was fucking hot.  Even better, she also had the brains to spend more time modeling than making records, for which she has my eternal gratitude.

Best Song: "Smile", because it's the only one I know.

By the year 2000, people weren't exactly begging for another group that sounded like the Spice Girls, even if it had an admittedly cool name like "Atomic Kitten", so we really didn't hear about these broads in the 'States.  We didn't get mad cow disease here, either, so I guess we're doubly blessed.  Anyway, of the three or four disposable bims who were in this waste of time Elizabeth McClarnon was by far the hottest, especially when she wore knee-high white go-go boots.  Unfortunately, she ended up getting beaten senseless with the diva stick, which is too bad 'cause she was a lot cuter before.  Now she just looks like every other girl in the dumpster behind VH1.

Best Song:  I downloaded a shitload of Atomic Kitten songs for free, which, I'm proud to say, is exactly the same as stealing.  And let me tell you, they ALL suck.  They couldn't even do a decent cover of "The Tide is High".  My advice: buy the poster.