#101: Courtney Love

TRASHY ROCK STAR

It's sort of  Courtney Love's shtick to be like a trashy alternative to the other annoying female pop stars, but frankly sometimes she pulls it off a bit too well.  Irregardless, I'd rather find her passed out on my bathroom floor than Mariah Carey.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  Her music's okay, her acting is okay, she pissed off Madonna once on live TV, she iced her annoying husband.

FUCKABILITY:  Three beers.  Courtney cleans up real nice, and you should never pass up the opportunity to nail a rock chick.

#102: Pia Zadora

TRASHY ACTRESS/ROCKER/MODEL

Pia is one of those people who's famous even though it seems like they never actually do anything.  Yeah she's modeled and been in movies and cut albums and shit, but do you or anyone you know own any of it?  I didn't think so.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  Her movies are crap and her music was ridiculous, but it's all such total crap that you know she had to be in on the joke.  Elvira once picked Pia's "Rock It Out" as the worst music video of all time, but watch it with the sound turned down and you'll never want to leave the house.  Plus Pia aged a lot better than you did, Mistress of the Sag.

FUCKABILITY:  One beer.  Pia's still cute even though she's like in her 50s, plus if you ever watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, you could point out the adorable little 10-year-old Martian girl to your friends and say "Dude, I fucked her."

#103: Dale Ardor

TRASHY SPACE HEROINE

Dale Ardor was the chick who got dragged along when Flesh Gordon and Dr. Jackoff flew to the planet Porno to stop the evil Emperor Wang from destroying the Earth with his Sex Ray.  And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you should rent some movies and get out less.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  She was the first dame to travel to another planet, and she did it naked.  You can't ask for a better diplomat than that.  Plus what other 1970s porno character is actually hot?

FUCKABILITY:  One beer.  A cute blonde who can't keep her clothes on but somehow still comes off as all sweet and innocent and shit?  That's like every guy's dream.  Which is why she only exists in a porno.

#104: Monique Gabrielle

TRASHY PORN STAR

Porn stars aren't very interesting.  Basically they're just like strippers: they're like egotistical and have low self-esteem at the exact same time, plus most of 'em aren't all that hot in real life.  Monique makes the grade though, because of the awesome non-porn flicks she's been in.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  She was in Bachelor Party, Deathstalker II, and Fear of a Black Hat.  That alone makes her ten times cooler than everyone you will ever meet in your entire life, combined.  And if that's not enough, check out that outfit to your right.

FUCKABILITY:  Two beers to get your nerve up.

#105: Samantha Fox

TRASHY POP STAR/PAGE 3 GIRL

For those who don't know, lots of limey papers put a hot chick on page three of every issue, and these chciks are called  - get this - "Page 3 Girls".  The most famous Page 3 Girl of all time is Samantha Fox, not to be confused with the ugly porn chick of the same name.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  Besides showing everyone her boobs, Sam cut a few pop albums in the mid-1980s and the first one was actually good.  She's also the only broad on Earth who can dress like a 1980's cock-rock groupie and look smokin' instead of ridiculous.

FUCKABILITY:  Two glasses of water and a power bar (for hydration and energy, respectively).

#106: Linda Blair

TRASHY ACTRESS

Linda started out as the little girl in The Exorcist, and she got to be in even more flicks once she got old enough to take her shirt off.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  Anyone who survived Exorcist II: The Heretic is automatically cool.

FUCKABILITY:  A six-pack.  Linda's was little-girly cute in the 1970s, weird cute in the '80s, and is genuinely hot now, but it would still take at least this much beer to keep the "pea soup" scene out of your mind if she happened to have a particularly intense orgasm.

#107: Tonya Harding

TRASHY ATHLETE

This is about as hilarious as it gets- Tonya Harding was that figure skater dame who hired a guy to break this other skater Nancy Kerrigan's leg by hitting her with a stick in public and running away.  This is, by far, the most ridiculous "conspiracy" in the history of sports, so naturally Tonya's still really famous while I had to do a Google search just to find out how to spell Nancy's last name.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  There's something sort of sexy about a complete and utter lack of shame, plus that snooty Kerrigan deserved it anyway.

FUCKABILITY:  Twelve beers, two shots.  Tonya looks and acts way too much like somebody who'd try to pick you up at a trailer park while her three kids hung on her screaming that they wanted to go to McDonald's.  Still, if she hit the gym and broke out one of her little skating outfits, she might be a good catch after two or three 40 ouncers.

#108: Trash

TRASHY PUNK CHICK

Trash is the type of girl who spends all day talking about death and showing people her tits, but who secretly collects little statues of unicorns and cries when the Care Bear with the rainbow on his tummy learns that friends are the most important gift of all.  She ended up getting turned into a zombie, but I'm not exactly sure what that's supposed to prove.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  She's punk rock and keeps taking her clothes off.  That's like the definition of "cool".

FUCKABILITY:  Two shots and a stick to beat her off with when she tries to eat your brains.

#109: Jennifer Tilly

"TRASHY" ACTRESS

Jennifer Tilly isn't really trashy, but she's so good at playing trashy chicks in the movies I figure she deserves to be included here.  And I'm sure she appreciates that.

WHY SHE'S COOL:  She always picks roles where she can act slutty or vamp it up, and usually wears her hair short, which, as everyone knows, is sexy as hell.

FUCKABILITY:  You don't have to be drunk to want to go home with Jennifer Tilly, but you might need a belt or two of Scotch to take the edge off her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice.

#110: The Hookers of Vice City

TRASHY VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS

WHY THEY'RE COOL:  They sport kickin' bodies, wear slutty outfits, are always ready to fuck, and under like the right circumstances they'll unquestioningly follow you around with total loyalty.  Best of all, if you get tired of her you can just beat her up and take your money back.  The perfect woman.

FUCKABILITY:  A twelve pack, a bottle of hand lotion, and a complete and utter lack of a social life or any self-esteem whatsoever.

#111: Janeane Garofalo

STAND-UP COMEDIAN

Until Sarah Silverman came along, Janeane Garofalo was the cool, funny chick smart guys wanted to bang.  For some reason though, she always ends up in movies as the "Cool but Unattractive Best Friend", even though she's stupefyingly hot.  In fact, the flick The Truth About Cats and Dogs is totally based around the idea that Janeane Garofalo isn't hot.  Maybe that's why sge like temporarily lost her mind and dyed her hair blonde.  That was a majorly uncool decision, but she still ranks thanks to her stand-up, being on The Ben Stiller Show, and the fact that no one on Earth has ever, ever looked better in a black T-shirt and cut-off jeans.

Can she do this job better than a man?  Here's how it works: black guys are funnier then white guys, Jewish guys are funnier than black guys (except to other black people; everything a black guy doing stand-up says is funny to black people, even "Run!  The building's on fire!"), and chicks are funnier than guys.*  So that puts Janeane somewhere in the middle.  Personally, I'd prefer to have her on top.

* Exception: Asian chicks are never funny.  Especially Margaret Cho.

#112: Anka Radakovich

SEX COLUMNIST/AUTHOR

Sex is pretty much instinctive or you'd be a thirty-year-old stain on a washcloth instead of a slacker who's reading this stupid web site when he's supposed to be organizing the outside vendor accounts, so in the big scheme of things that makes sex columnists pretty unimportant when compared to, say, doctors, or the guy who knows how to fix the garbage disposal.  But at least Anka Radakovich looks like someone you'd want to have sex with, and the fact that a lot of he-man macho types seem to hate her proves she must be doing something right.  Everyone knows those types of guys are usually closet fags anyway.

Can she do this job better than a man?  Definitely.  A man could write maybe two paragraphs about sex before he'd have to take a break to jerk off.  In fact, 90% of the guys reading this entry didn't get past Anka's last name before they got distracted by her picture, and none of them will finish reading this paragraph after they notice the shot of her in the red sweater.  Which is why this is the safest place for me to admit that I secretly like books about that special bond between a young girl and her pony.

#113: Sofia Coppola

DIRECTOR

Sofia Coppola has won a bunch of movie awards, which is pretty impressive for a chick who used to be best known for one of the dumbest death scenes in movie history (in Godfather III).  The only real tragedy here is that now she's not very likely to bottom out and do a trashy nude scene anytime soon.  I like flicks with nekkid Italian chicks.

Can she do this job better than a man?  Maybe, but Hollywood won't respect her anyway.  Yeah, she won an Oscar or whatever, but so did Independence Day.

#114: Nicolle Camarata

DISC JOCKEY

Welcome to Z-100, the best station in Portland!  Tune in the "Morning Zoo" on your way to work and listen for the new Eminem single!  If you're the third caller we'll put you in the drawing for tickets to next weekend's "Z-Weekend" concert bash featuring Kansas, Starship, the Romantics, and the guy who did that "Sunglasses at Night" song!  Coming up next, more pop hits right after these messages!

I'll be honest here: I never actually heard the Z-100 Morning Show, but it's a pretty safe bet that it's called the "Morning Zoo" and it goes without saying that anyone who looks like this chick shouldn't be working in radio.  Seriosuly Nicolle, get yourself on TV or something so we can see you, too.  And make sure you're wearing a bikini.

Can she do this job better than a man?  It doesn't matter, because this job is stupid.

Addendum: Nicolle dropped us a line a while back thanking us for her nomination, proving she has a sense of humor and truly is as cool as she is mind-bogglingly hot.  If your girlfriend likes to shop, tell her to check out Nicolle's current project here.

#115: Kate Moss

FASHION MODEL

Kate Moss first got famous when she did theseCalvin Klein ads in the 1990s.  You remember those ads- big black & white foldouts with a bunch of ludicrously hip underfed kids posing and looking all bored?  Most of the models were butt-ugly too, which I've always suspected they did on purpose to make Kate - the real star - look all that hotter.  Either way she ended up super-popular and suddenly heroin-chic was the big fad and thousands of perfectly cute girls decided they were too fat and ended up anorexic or addicted to drugs.  This may not seem like a good thing, but if you watch Animal planet you know how important it is to "cull the herd".  That cat Darwin didn't spend all his time coming up with theories just to piss off the Christians, you know.

Can she do this job better than a man?  Fuck yes.  No man should be this skinny unless he's on stage singing about his lust for life.

#116: Chun-Li Xiang

ASS-KICKING VIDEO GAME CHARACTER

Yeah she's just a bunch of pixels, but I've seen Chun-Li costumes, Chun-Li art, and more Chun-Li kink than you can fucking imagine (you have to look for it, but it's there).  And don't pretend you think it's weird- if you ever played Street Fighter II alone you know you thought about giving it a tug to her at least once or twice.

Can she do this job better than a man?  Men are usually better at fighting in the street for no reason but I will say this: Chun-Li was the only one I could beat this stupid game with.

#117: Jennifer Shahade

CHESS CHAMPION

They say the brain is like the greatest erogenous zone, which is totally wrong (it's the clitoris), but it's still good to have smart chicks around because they give you someone to talk to between orgasms and if they're nice they'll remind you not to do stupid shit like drinking beers you found on the ground.  Everybody knows smart people play chess, and there's more than one chcik chess master out there (I know that should be "chess mistress", but that sounds like a dame the chess player is cheating on his wife with), but Jen stands out for being cool enough to do a photo shoot in a pink wig and fuzzy mittens, which has almost nothing to do with chess whatsoever.

Can she do this job better than a man?  Definitely, at least if she's playing a man, because even if he's like technically better at chess he'll still lose because he's distracted by her boobs.

#118: Ellis

CYBER-DOLL

The nips come up with the best kink in the world.  They're obsessed with underage schoolgirls, they invented tentacle-rape, and I heard they even have vending machines where you can purchase dirty panties.  That fucking rocks.  One of the more innocent things they came up with though is the cyber-doll.  A "cyber-doll" is an underage hottie who only appears on the internet, but it's not actualy porn though- she's just supposed to be like all cute and perfect and totally out of reach.  Naturally the whole thing turns nasty when 40-year-old Japanese men start printing the pictures and doing evil things alone in dark closets, but that's not the cyber-doll's fault.  She's a good girl.

Ellis is by far the coolest cyber-doll of all, and her webpage is even in English, so you can learn all about cyber-dolls firsthand.  You twisted fuck.

Can she do this job better than a man?  There are no male cyber-dolls, and if there were they would be severely beaten.

#119: Amy Devers

FURNITURE DESIGNER

The home-improvement reality show craze has really peaked when they have their own drop-dead gorgeous poster girl, and here she is.  I'd pay this chick whatever inflated price she asked just so I could watch her refurnish my home, then I'd let someone steal all the furniture and do it again.

Can she do this job better than a man?  Who cares?

#120: Pam Rossi

SOLID GOLD DANCER

Ah, Solid Gold.  What an awesome trashy program.  For those of you who don't remember it, Solid Gold was a TV show that played Top 40 music while slutty chicks and fags danced around.  That was the whole show.  It was totally pointless, but it definitely kick-started my puberty.  After many hours of consideration, I picked Pam Rossi as like the quintessential Solid Gold babe, thanks to her perfect balance of sex appeal, tacky outfits, and that bizarre 1980s hair that manages to be short and big at the same time.

I would totally buy this on DVD.

Can she do this job better than a man?  There were male dancers on the show so I can safely say YES, she can.

Tania Raymonde made the list 'cause she's so damn cute, and NOT because she was in Malcom in the Middle, a show that started out okay but didn't take very long to get on my last nerve.  Oh, and my lawyer advises me that I never said she was cute, and if I did it's okay because this website is written by a 13-year-old.

Legal In All Fifty States On: March 22, 2006

I actually took the time to watch the movie Thirteen because I'm like concerned about the state of our young people today, and not because I wanted to see a 13-year-old hottie partying like a maniac and slutting around.  Evie was the "bad" girl in this flick: shoplifting, lying, drinking, even trying to bang the (much) older boy next door.  She's my kinda chick- too bad she probably O.D. before she's 18.

Legal In All Fifty States On: Since she's fictional she'll never be legal.  On the plus side, you can own this movie on DVD and not get busted for it.

All right, I'm only going to tell you this once, Frost:  The nose is what makes you so cute.  You spend a lot of time hanging around Barbara Streisand so I think you've got that figured out, but I just wanted to make sure so you don't go and pull a Jennifer Grey on us.

Now hurry up and do a sleazy horror movie.

Legal In All Fifty States On: May 25, 2003.  Open season.

When she was thirteen this snot-nosed little showoff wrote a book that became like a bestseller and was reprinted in shitloads of countries.  If she wasn't so obviously gonna to grow up to be a total babe I'd give her such a smack.

Legal In All Fifty States On: August 8, 2007

#125: Kimberly Ann Hart (The Pink Ranger)

A.K.A. the Catwoman of the 1990s.  Seriously, it's not like kids watched this dumb show for the awesome special effects.

Legal In All Fifty States On: It probably doesn't matter: if you touched her in a "bad" way I'm sure she'd just kick your lecherous ass with her Mighty Morphin superpowers.  They had superpowers, right?  Or did they turn into robots or something?  I can't keep this shit straight.  Stupid Japanese...

Amethyst was a comic book about a thirteen-year-old girl who found she was really the princess of some magic land or another (face it- they're all the fucking same).  The best thing about this was that when she went to magic land she turned into a 20-year-old!  I'm not quite sure of all the legalities, but that's one helluva loophole.

Legal In All Fifty States On: Go for it.  Just make sure you don't piss her off so that if you get busted she'll remember to turn herself 20 before she appears in court.

#127: Jessica 6 (Logan's Run)

If you had a chance to nail this, you'd run too.

Legal In All Fifty States On: I'm not sure how old Jessica 6 is supposed to be, but since the people in Logan's Run all die at 30 wouldn't that push the age of consent or whatever down to like 9 or something?  Looks like Gary Glitter was born in the wrong century.

#128: Kim Possible

Not quite as busty as the Little Mermaid, but she makes up for it in attitude.  Just make sure you wrap it in case she's also "Kim Pregnable".

Legal In All Fifty States On: You'd be lucky to make a copy of a Kim Possible DVD without Disney having you legally decapitated, so nailing one of their biggest cartoon stars is pretty much out of the question.  It's an easy Halloween costume though, so if your girlfriend's a redhead start begging now.

#129: That Little Fucking   Hottie from "Harry Potter"

Okay, this is it- I'm going to hell.

Lauren Annette Summers (top) was a teachers' aide who had sex with a bunch of 14 and 16-year-old boys.  I'm sorry, but if you're a 14-year-old boy and you nail this chick, you're not a victim, you're a goddamned hero.  You know Mom was the one on the phone with the cops while Dad was patting Junior on the back and opening him a beer.

April Elaine Siegler (bottom) was an actual teacher, and she's probably a better choice for you "brooding rebel" types.  Still a pretty good catch if you're 14.  I think she was more into girls though, which is so fucking cool there's really nothing for me to add.

I can't wait for the Lifetime Original Movies...

A lot of people will probably bitch about Paris being on this list, but Jesus Christ: she's rich, she's hot, and she's a slut- what the fuck's not to like?  I decided to be like democratic about it though, so I surfed over to Google and performed a couple of searches and here's the results:

"love Paris Hilton" : 38,800 hits*

"hate Paris Hilton" : 15,600 hits*

Statistics don't lie, so it's official: Paris Hilton is #131. 

* Search conducted 2/20/06 at approximately 5:00 PM EST.  See- I even backed up my facts with footnotes.  You can't get more scientific than that.

Screw Marcia- I'm so sick of everyone who watched The Brady Bunch as a kid lusting after that snooty tease.  You know damn well Jan was the one who would've actually thrown it out after a couple of beers- the middle child is always doing shit like that to get attention.  Plus she gets bonus points for being the only one cool enough not to be in The Brady Bunch Hour.  Eat shit, Marcia.

The big pic is Eve Plumb, the original Jan Brady, but every other actress who's ever played Jan is smokin' too- it's like a legacy of hot:

Drawn Together might be the unfunniest cartoon ever made (and I'm including Japanese cartoons that are mostly about alien rape), but I think I speak for everybody when I say that I've always wanted to see one of those hottie little Disney princesses talk filthy, kiss other girls, and just generally act like a whore, and this is probably the closest we're gonna get.  So Clara makes the cut, at least until the Little Mermaid does a cartoon remake of Behind the Green Door.

Two drunk NFL cheerleaders busted for supposedly dyking out in a public restroom?  That's so fucking awesome that I can't think of any words in the English language to properly describe it.  As I understand it, you don't actually get paid shit for being a cheerleader, but you do get paid for posing for Playboy, starring in porno movies, and showing up topless in direct-to-video horror flicks, so I think it's safe to say that these two made the right career choice.

I would have added both girls to the list, but the other one (Renee Thomas) gave the cops a different cheerleader's I.D., so she loses her place for being cooze enough to throw someone else under the bus to try to save her own ass and dumb enough to think that that would actually work.  Angela's way hotter anyway.

Suzanne Rhatigan may just be one of the greatest unknown pop stars of all time.  She's hot as balls, she has legs that would make a grown man weep, and surf on over to Amazon or something and check out that album cover.  What.  A. Fucking. Babe.  Definitely one of the best singers of the last 20 years.

Huh?  Her music?  Ah, it kinda sucks.

Melanie Blatt was one of the girls in that lame-ass pop band All Saints, but I'm willing to let that slide because she's so easy on the eyes (it probably doesn't hurt that I have this weird "big nose" fetish, either).  Someday I should try to round up the hottest member from every one of these defunct all-girl bands and put together the ultimate "grrl power" supergroup.  The music would probably make your ears bleed, but the poster would be fucking awesome.

Because she can't sing if she has something in her mouth, idiot.

You remember Heidi Fleiss- she's the "Hollywood Madam" who got busted for setting up all those movie people with hookers.  I'm a big fan of go-getters like her, and it's like refreshing to see a woman achieve so much success in our male-dominated business culture.  Plus if this paparazzi shot is like any indication, I think she might actually be hotter than most of the floozies she set half of Hollywood up with.  Looks, business sense, brains... you're definitely getting the total package here.  Best of all, if it turns out you're not her type I'll bet she could set you up with one of her friends.

This chick wants to be the latest pop sensation but she's, no joke, Osama bin Laden's niece!  Talk about a career stumbling block!  You know what though?  She hates her uncle, she's a friggin' babe, and, come to think of it, I don't even care what her stuff sounds like- I love the fucking underdog so she just became my second favorite female vocalist, right behind Kimberly Hitler.

Raquel (real name Andrea Oliveira) was the hottest original Fantana, before they brought in that newer set that wasn't anywhere near as fine (her flavor was grape, by the way, in case that ever comes up as a trivia question).  Yeah, yeah, I know, that jingle was annoying as hell and once you heard two seconds of it you couldn't get the damn thing out of your head for fucking days, but forget all that, because Jesus carbonated Christ does this broad look good naked.

I'm not much of a rap fan (not even when they call it "grime" and try to pretend it's something new) so I never had any real interest in this chick - except of course for a completely understandable desire to dip her naked into a vat of honey and then lick her clean - but then she put out a single with punkers The Ordinary Boys that's actually pretty awesome, so looks like she makes the cut.  Congratulations, baby.  If you want to thank me I'll pay for the honey.

Only in an asinine sit-com like Will & Grace could a chick who looks like this not be able to find a man for like 30 seasons (or however fucking long that goddamn show was on the air).  Here’s a series finale for you, toots- I pick you up at your place, take you to dinner, bombard you with flattery to counteract the low self-esteem you’ve developed hanging out exclusively with gay men,  take you home, ravage you for hours, and give you a ring.  Problem solved.  Any real-life redheads with Grace’s problem feel free to contact me and we'll follow the same rough template.  I’m in the book.

This dame is great: not only is she the skinniest chick I've ever seen who isn't trying to eat someone's brains, but she's also one of the funniest people on the planet.  Man, I love good political satire.  She is kidding, right?  I guess it doesn't matter, 'cause if she's serious then her ultra-right-wing views carried to like their logical conclusion can only lead to one thing: her cleaning, her making dinner, her taking care of our dangerously underweight babies, and finally her blowing me for hours 'til I leave to go out with the guys.  You can't beat that.  Plus if I pissed her off she'd be easy to get away from, because if she tried to run after me the weight of her body would break both her legs.

Jinjur tried to take over Oz (yes, that Oz) in the ridiculous movie The Wonderful Land of Oz (check out my awesome review here).  If this chick marched into my throne room demanding the kingdom, I'd probably turn it over in exchange for a couple of lap dances and a sloppy handjob, which is why it's a good thing that writing for this obnoxious website like precludes me from ever having a career in politics.

When you're so hot people will watch a show about your adventures even though they also star a douchebag like Screech the world is your fucking oyster, girl.  Of course you threw it all away by marrying that assmunch Zack, but I guess they could still make Saved by the Bell: The Divorce so I'm just gonna keep my fingers crossed.

Vanessa Lengies is so damn hot I actually seriously considered seeing the movie Stick It in the theaters.  I think it's the nose.  Well, that and her rockin' ass & legs combo.  At any rate, anyone smokin' enough to get me to consider something so horrific definitely deserves to be on this list.  I wish she'd do an erotic thriller already.

Suzanne Vega came up with "Luka" and "Tom's Diner" - two of the most irritating songs ever written - but she also came up with the album 99.9 F°, which is awesome and balances things out just enough to keep her from going down in musical history as the white Tracy Chapman.  She's got this weird sort of plain Jane hotness that makes you want to parade her in front of other, sexier girls and make it clear you're nailing her just to piss them off.  For my money that's ten times more entertaining than being with one of the "hotter" girls in the first place, and if you can't go out and have fun with the girl you're seeing, what's the point of unchaining her from the cot in the basement in the first place?

This chick was the basic model for Ariel in The Little Mermaid, so if you hooked up with her you would literally be fucking the Little Mermaid.  How awesome would that be?  It'd never work out in my case though, because I wouldn't be able to resist screaming "Take that, Robert Iger!" every time we did it until she got fed up and dumped me.

By the way, if you really want to see the Little Mermaid naked I think she bares it all in that movie Reform School Girls.

Okay, I'll admit it, now I'm just being purposely obscure.  Chicks with horns are hot, though.

I never thought this dame would make the list- for one thing, she sings that super annoying song about breast cancer ("...my lovely lady lumps..."), plus I heard she pisses herself.  But damn, if she's gonna go around looking this good she can piss in my bed for all I care.  I'm not too set in my ways to get turned on to some new kink.

Like millions before her, Rachael Ray became famous by hosting her own gimmicky cooking show, the gimmick being that she hosts it while on ecstasy.  Ha!  I'm kidding.  She just huffs nitrous during the commercial breaks.  Normally I'm suspicious of chicks who can cook (also chicks who wear underwear), but during an interview with Entertainment Weekly she actually said this:

"I would smile all day long, every day, if it guaranteed a unicorn getting punched in the face."

As a general rule, once Entertainment Weekly even realizes something is going on it's already come, been trendy, been out, been retro, come back, become camp, and been trendy again, so normally anyone who appears in that magazine is fairly uncool, but I'm gonna give Rachael a break because that's the second coolest thing I've ever heard a woman say in my entire fucking life, right after "I've decided not to press charges."

See, idiot white people- there are hotter black actresses out there than that fucking overrated Halle Berry.  Screw that bimbo, Catwoman sucked.  So did Monster's Ball, for that matter.  That movie wasn't what I thought it would be about at all.

Bjork has a decent body (of music) to brag about, but my favorite things about her are the fact that she looks like a deranged elf and that she's wearing a goddamn swan in this picture.  That's just all kinds of fucked-up.  I like chicks who are screwed in the head in completely original, unique ways- it makes things a lot more interesting.  I'm tired of just getting stabbed all the time.

Product mascots are stupid.  Maybe there is like some obscure connection between tigers and sugar-coated corn flakes, for example, but I sure don't know what it is.  And why should a clown jumping around like an idiot make me want to eat any (more) Big Macs?  That's what makes the Tempur-Pedic Girl the best mascot of all time: how can you possibly look at this chick and not think about bed?  Okay, sure, I also think about the shower, the hot tub, the kitchen table, and my editor's desk that week he was in Europe, but usually bed first.  There are other Tempur-Pedic chicks of varying quality, but at the end of the day all must bow to this, their queen.

Okay, this is getting weirder than usual; let's move on.

Tawny Kitaen is most famous for writhing around in a Whitesnake video, but she's also contributed it society in other ways: she appeared on a Ratt album cover (thus giving people an excuse to actually buy a Ratt album); she got naked in the movie Witchboard; and she beat the crap out of her husband, which is just good quality entertainment because, damn, what a pussy.

Hottest soap star ever.  Oh, you don't watch soaps because you're not a chick?  I guess I was confused by the time you called me crying because Lana gave up on Clark and started going out with Lex.

After Star Wars made like a mountain of money TV decided to cash in by making an assload of stupid sci-fi TV shows, and the absolute stupidest one of all was Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century.  One thing it got right though was making the main chick someone so fucking fine she made Princess Leia look like something you'd date.  The show was mainly for kids, so I think it went over most viewers' heads that Buck, who wanted nothing to do with this dame, was obviously the first main guy in a prime-time action series to be a queer.

Speaking of Smallville and fags, why isn't Clark Kent tapping this?  I've got some serious suspicions about him, too.

Actress/recognized goddess known mainly for getting her hot little ass hung out to dry by the minions of hell in The Sentinel.  She was also in Hex (1973), Nightmares (1983), and shows like Highway to Heaven.  Seriously, babe, fire your agent.

Mini (Mini?) was one of The Blockheads, a bunch of comedy cats who pulled a scam on The Jerry Springer Show by pretending to be a dysfunctional family.  Of course Springer sued the shit out of them (because there's no point in being a scumbag only 75% of the time), but I like to think everyone involved agrees that it was worth it.  After that she hosted a television show that isn't even on the imdb, on a network whose original website is now being used by a spa, and whose new one doesn't even admit that the show ever existed.  I looked all over the internet but couldn't find any information about her after 1999 or so either.  I'll bet that asshole Springer had her whacked and now he's trying to destroy all evidence of her existence.  Either that or she got married and changed her name.  I figure both scenarios are equally as likely.

Remember about midway through the TV series Rosanne when the blonde daughter suddenly got hotter?  You probably just thought you'd been smoking too much weed, but actually they swapped out actresses for a while.  When the original chick came back it looked like Sarah might end up being the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question that everyone always missed, but fortunately she ended up on Scrubs, which is definitely better than Rosanne getting another show.  I mean seriously, who wants to look at that fat pig all day?

Leia's mom has got it goin' on- why the hell didn't we ever get to see her in a bronze bikini?  No wonder Darth Vader was so pissed off all the time- if you accidentally squandered this pussy when it was yours for the taking you'd be cranky too.

Do I really have to explain why there's another figure skater on this list?  They're all equally bendy and awesome, but a buddy of mine who actually watches figure skating because he's a complete pervert (since there's no other reason to watch figure skating) suggested Sasha, and I'll have to agree with him that she's all kinds of fine.  He's still a fucking pervert though.

Pretty damn cute, and she was hilarious in The Addams Family, so she gets the nod even though I'm 90% sure she's actually some sort of puppet.

Artist, photographer, and editor (her current gig is Refinery 29) Piera is one of those folks who's like totally immersed in the New York fashion scene.  Most fashion people deserve to be tricked into drinking antifreeze, but P gets props because she used to host the semi-famous "Pink Parties" where everyone had to wear (duh) pink.  As theme parties go that's a pretty simple gimmick, but when most people throw parties their planning usually maxes out at unlocking the front door so frankly I appreciate the extra effort.  Plus she looks pretty kickin' in a bikini.

Leggy brunette twins from Transylvania who sing obnoxious bubblegum pop?  I'm so there, especially since their biggest song is about how touching their asses is one of the best things in life.  I would have added Monica's sister too, but for some bizarre reason I don't find her anywhere near as fine.  Maybe it's because she's ten minutes older.  I can't stand hags.

People always used to argue about which of Archie's girlfriends was hotter, Betty or Veronica.  Actually that's a total lie; nobody ever argued about that.  It doesn't matter anyway, because Midge blows them both out of the water.  And kudos to her for dating dumb jock Moose instead of Archie: he may be a moron, but at least he doesn't play her off against her best friend every other issue.

Sorry, Tinkerbell, but even though she's a goddamn tree-hugging hippie, Crysta from Ferngully completely trumps your ass: she's cuter, she hasn't been sodomized by Disney, and best of all she wears less clothing.  Next Halloween I want to see more Crystas and less Tinkerbells- show a little imagination, ladies.

So let me get this straight... everyone got pissed off when it turned out that these pop bimbos weren't lesbians?  Talk about seeing the cup as half empty.  Think about it: if they actually like having sex with guys, that makes them more awesome, not less, you pinheads.  I'd bang the brunette through a wall, and as long as the redhead doesn't mind watching & can hold a camera steady she's not exactly useless either.

Lara Jill Miller was one of the daughters on the inexplicably long-running sit-com Gimme a Break!  She was the token tomboy, who they needed to play off the token "bombshell" daughter (the only one who was blonde) and the token "smart" daughter (the only one who wore glasses).  I find it a little hard to believe that these three chicks all had the same father; now that I think about it it's not surprising that the mother was dead- their dad probably offed the slut and used his position as chief of police to cover up the crime.  Anyway, from day one you could tell LJM was gonna grow up to be hot(ter), and she did.  She does the voices in japanimation these days, which means some of you weirdos have probably jerked off to her and not even known it.

There's no point in trying to find a clever way to put this: Denise Richards is just so hot it's like incomprehensible.  Props to Mr. & Mrs Richards- way to improve on God.  Also, just to piss everyone off, I'm calling it right here: best Bond girl ever.

Way sexier than her sister, and at least she kinda looks like a rocker.  When you think about it, she has to be the smarter one too, since it's impossible to be dumber than Jessica Simpson and not be an inanimate object.

No, not because she was "Elaine" on Seinfeld (And can we all please get over that fucking show?  It's been off the air for like a decade.); Julia lands her spot for her brilliant performance in the motion picture classic Troll, where she spends the last half of the flick as a naked.  What, did you think it was gonna be for Watching Ellie or something?

Insurance is the biggest scam on the fucking planet- it's basically gambling, at sucker odds, against someone who won't pay up if you win.  How the fuck is this even legal?  But at least with Erin you're getting hosed by a babe.  If you ask me, she deserves a TV show way more than those stupid Geico cavemen.  Did you see the ad where she's in the short skirt & fishnets and speaking French?  Man that was hot.

#176: Two-thirds of Bananarama

Sorry, but the other one was kinda homely.

That name is just so ridiculously cute/hot it's unreal.  A girl with a name like "Jenna Elfman" could weigh like 300 pounds and you'd still be able to brag about fucking her.  Okay, that's a lie, but she could probably get away with having a lazy eye or something.

I like the fact that if someone Googles "hot chicks" and "lazy eye" this page is going to come up now.

When you hit a certain age you start to bag a lot of single moms.  Let's just say I wish more of them looked like this.  If anyone I've been out with lately takes this as a slam, rest assured that it is.

This limey chick is famous for being in a ton of movies... oh hell, she was in Pervirella as like the main character- what else do you need to know?  Just imagine her talking dirty in an English accent and you'll see why she rates.  Actually it would probably sound a lot like this: "Wot? Allight, I'll give ya a 'ummer mate..." so forget it.  At least she has straight teeth.

I swore she'd never make the list but Jesus Christ, look at that... 

Okay, toots, you win.  Congratulations.  I'll buy the first round.

That's right, the broad from The Shining used to be fucking hot.  I think her fall probably came when she let them talk her into playing Olive Oyl.  It doesn't matter how fine you are, you're not recovering from that.

I don't know a whole lot about this chick, but here she is fingering herself in the Forbidden City.  If you look up "cool" in the encyclopedia I'm pretty sure that's in there somewhere.

I remember being totally confused when this dame's show first came out- why the hell were they giving a TV show to the "They Don't Know About Us" chick?  That song wasn't that good.  Irregardless, her program is where The Simpsons started and at one point I would've let her sit on my face just for that.  Of course The Simpsons has sucked ass for like a decade now, but as long as she wore those boots I'd still let Tracey Ullman sit on my face.

Okay, who didn't see this one coming?  For real though, I think her album kinda rocks.  Seriously, you should buy it right now.
 

It's about time they gave us a cute superhero chick with an overbite.  And her costume is just so damn hot, what with the tights and the big fuzzy tail...

Fuck, this makes me a "furry" doesn't it?

Clerks is pretty good for a flick where nobody explodes or shows off their tits (or does both at the same time), but even though she never gets naked the best thing about it is still the main dude's whore ex-girlfriend; everybody loves a dirty slut, especially when she has legs like this.  If she stumbled into my pad all liquored up and hot to trot I think I could even get past the fact that she's already fucked a dead guy, a chink, and a cock-smokin' clerk.  They really need to make another Clerks movie about her job as a stripper.  They could call it "Clerks III: Clerkin' Off".

I think it's pretty interesting that this chick's memory got erased after she spent a season running around with Dr. Who.  How convenient.  You know he was tapping the shit out of her underage ass, and who could blame him?  Good for you, Doctor.

This one should've made the list a long time ago - she is the main reason most people watched That '70s Television Program, and she's fine enough to cause brain damage - but that whole becoming a blonde thing... what the fuck?  That has to be like the biggest miscalculation since Hitler invaded Russia.  Seriously, honey, there aren't enough hot redheads as it is.  Don't screw around like that.

Not as funny, but almost as hot.

You remember this dame from Groundhog Day, right?  That flick where the dude has to re-live the same day over & over?  In the end he learns a valuable lesson or something gay like that, but my agenda would be a little different:

Day 1: Cocaine rampage
Day 2 through Day Infinity: Fuck Andie MacDowell into a coma

Also I would probably start some fires.  It's just so fucking awesome to imagine because you could do whatever you wanted, and no matter how bad it was the day starts over and there's no consequences!  You could take a bunch of acid and attack your boss, or have a threesome with two 15-year-old girls on the front lawn of the courthouse, or drive a bulldozer through the outdoor hippie market...  Damn I wish Groundhog Day would happen to me.  I actually thought it did once, but it was like just a big misunderstanding.  It's a good thing Inept Concepts has such kick-ass lawyers.