#201: Angela from The Office

Yeah, Pam's hotter, but it's pretty obvious Angela would be a way better lay.  Seriously, it's not even debatable.

#202: Julia "Butterfly" Hill

This is the chick who sat in a tree, to save the tree from being turned into toothpicks for my cocktail, for like two years.  Now, on the one hand she is a flakey hippie activist who probably likes (or at least tolerates) drum circles, but on the other hand she stuck it to the Man full-on DiY style and actually won, which in my book is totally awesome even if you're 100% wrong, which she wasn't.  Also she's kinda hot, and being less than 100% wrong and reasonably fine is pretty much the best you can hope for when it comes to a hippie.  Too bad she probably smells like sap and dirty feet.  Irregardless, she totally rocks and is definitely one of the 500 Coolest Chicks Ever.

Full disclosure: I hate trees.

You know what's even better than being a hippie?  Being smart.  Dr. Shannon Moffett (AKA "the Moff") wrote this sweet-ass book called The Three-Pound Enigma that's full of all these crazy facts about the brain- the very same brain I'm using to fantasize about her in a bikini right now.  For example, did you know that if someone gets shot in the brain it's safer to leave all the little pieces of the bullet in there than it is to try to dig them out?  I wish I had known that ten years ago.  Sorry, Dixon.  And not only is her book totally awesome, but she's also the best argument yet for a Wet 'n' Wild Scientists calendar.

#204: Alycia Lane

Remember this news-reportin', bikini-sportin', piggy-smackin' babe?  She was one of the sexiest newscasters out there, but that wasn't good enough for her so she decided to climb the celebrity ladder by making a spectacle of herself (that's right- flash-in-the-pan train wrecks rate way higher then newscasters, but still well below hotel heiresses and cartoonists).  First, she sent all these hot bikini pictures of herself  to some lucky bastard who works for the NFL Network (motto: "Stupid people need something to do in the summer, too").  Apparently he's a pussywhipped bitch who's only allowed to look at his e-mail after his wife pre-screens it though, because she saw them first and Aly got busted.  A few months later she decided to add violence to her oeuvre (that's French for "eggs") and bitch-slapped a cop, which is probably the most theatrical person you can choose to bitch slap, with the possible exception of the President.  Needless to say she got canned, but I guarantee that as soon as she realizes where her bank is at her comeback is inevitable.  Don't believe me?  Six words: Alycia Lane's Bikini Wonderland dot com.

Sweet merciful Lucifer, are you kidding me?  Look at those legs...  Look at those fucking tits.  I don't think they're even allowed to make chicks this fine anymore.  Also she was in The Giant Claw and The Black Scorpion, so she's got what the kids call "indie cred", at least as I understand it.  She has to be almost a hundred years old by now, but I would still do filthy, filthy things to her if she asked.  She's totally earned it.

An Open Letter of Apology to Ms. Kirsten Dunst

Ms. Dunst;

For previously failing to recognize your exceptional talent and almost preternatural hotness, and for the many erroneous comments made regarding you by myself in the past (e.g. "She's not that good-looking."), I hereby pledge to do the following: 1) I will promote you to your rightful place as one of the 500 Coolest Chicks Ever; 2) I will buy Marie Antoinette on DVD, even though it looks all historical and boring; and 3) I will use my massive influence over popular culture and the internet to introduce "Kirsten Dunst" into the language as a new slang phrase meaning, roughly, "unbelievably fantastic".  Example: "That party with the free beer and hookers was so Kirsten Dunst!"  Please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

Sincerely,

Mr. Satanism

Holy non-deductible Christ, even this broad's feet are sexy.  Flavia was the main chick in the comic book Dinosaur Rex, which you probably never heard of since you aren't as informed and jacked-in as me, and that's too bad because it's pretty Kirsten Dunst.  Okay, so almost every comic book chick is some sort of double D-sporting hottie, but how many can say that they hunt dinosaurs?  And fine, Flavia's actually hunting for her uncle because her aunt cut off her allowance and dinosaurs just happen to get in the way, but that's not how I'd tell the story later and neither should she.  At any rate she looks incredible, and she's officially my new favorite comic book babe (sorry, Angel Love; we'll always have Amsterdam).  Mad fucking props to the guy who drew her.  If I could draw chicks this good I'd just buy a huge sheet of paper and stop dating altogether.

If you have the internet but no kids you've probably seen this chick and wondered "Who the hell?" and possibly "Is she legal?"  Well, to answer your second question first she's closer than you'd think, and to answer your first question next she's the star of a show called LazyTown that supposedly teaches kids to get out and exercise, although my theory is that it actually teaches them to stay inside and watch LazyTown.  It's full of creepy puppets and music that sounds like Aqua on speed, but that's okay because as it turns out Stephanie's all-pink hair & wardrobe combo ended up inspiring the best sexy-pedo Halloween outfit since they started making Rainbow Brite costumes in grown-up sizes.  So thank you Stephanie, thank you from the bottom of my black, perverted heart.  You can bing bang my (shockingly huge) diggiriggidong any time you want, just as soon as you turn 18.  On May 26, 2009.  And yes I typed that date from memory.

#209: Kristie Reddick

You know that part in every movie where a guy goes to meet somebody important for the first time and when he sees them he does like a double take and spits his drink across the room and practically has a heart attack because it's a woman?  Well I hate to admit it, but I almost did the exact same thing when some TV show I was watching trotted out their "camel spider expert" and it was this hottie.  I know chicks can do anything, but for some reason when it involves things like camel spiders I just don't expect them to look this incredible while they're doing it.  I'm halfway tempted to end this list right here because honestly, what could possibly be cooler than "sexy giant spider expert"?  "Sexy giant spider expert in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit" maybe, but that's probably asking too much.