According to the back cover, this novel is "Soon to be an NBC movie". I don't mean to be a nag or anything, but we're still waiting, assholes. The family from the original book/movie/hoax is in this, but too much of it is about this annoying Indian twat (casino, not 7-11) and her less-than-useless boyfriend, which I'm guessing isn't what most people who would actually buy an Amityville book are here for. The Amityville Horror isn't exactly Star Trek, but you know someone out there has every single Amityville movie and book ever made, all displayed on a custom shelf that he shows to every person who comes over, most of whom decide right then and there not to go on a second date with him. A guy like that wants to read about the First Family of Amityville, not some also-ran dipshits.

Anyway, at one point in the story someone points out that something is "too understandable to be afraid of", and, following that logic, this book is completely incomprehensible. The main family's kids get possessed; their babysitter turns into a raging slut; the parents almost die in a plane crash; a six-foot-tall tombstone appears on a golf course (You know what would've been hilarious? If it said "Your Long Game".); and there's even a zombie attack, thwarted in part through the use of kung fu. Who would've guessed that the dad from The Amityville Horror knew kung fu? The big climax is even more insane/retarded: the family's new house actually changes into the Amityville Horror house, and when the mom and dad barge inside to rescue their kids they have to fight this goofy demon who tries to shoot them with a laser gun. Would this be a good time to mention that the cover says this is "non-fiction"?

I'm still pissed that they lied about making this into a movie (Haven't you lied enough, Amityville Horror books, haven't you lied enough???), but hindsight being nine-tenths of the law I guess I understand why NBC took a pass on this one. I've seen some stupid shit on that network (example: Mama's Family), but Christ, you have to draw the line somewhere.