Cell

By Stephen King

(2006)

God damn it, Stephen King, you already have more money than Jesus so if you can't think of a good idea for a book just don't write one this month. I mean, cell phones turn almost everybody in the world into zombies that like easy listening music? Give me a fucking break. Oh, and of course the zombies all have psychic links with each other. That's millions of psychic links. Stephen King practically spooges all over himself if he can work just one psychic link into a story (no matter how ham-fisted it is); this book probably had him coming so hard and for so long that he became severely dehydrated and they had to take him to the emergency room. The one reliable thing about Stephen King books, even the crappy ones (Insomnia), is that the people are always interesting and you kind of want to know what happens to them, even if it's stupid. Not this time. The people in this book aren't interesting at all- they barely have quirks much less personalities. What can you say about a main guy who's so boring you can't even remember his name? Plus the zombies spend the whole book using their ESP to force the good guys to do whatever they want them to anyway, so really there isn't even a story- it's just these chuckleheads walking around. Either this is some sort of experiment in like novel-writing minimalism, or it's time to put ol' Steve-O in a home.

It's bad enough that this book blows, but what really adds injury to insult is all the grief I had to go through to get it. See, since so many of Stephen King's books suck ass these days I decided to play it safe and wait until it hit the Barnes & Noble bargain rack, just like every Stephen King book always does. Except of course this one. Eventually I broke down and bought a copy from some fist-fucked cunt on eBay who ripped me off, so in the end I had to buy a crappy, beat-up copy from this sketchy used book store. Then, naturally, brand new ones turned up at Barnes & Noble two days later for the exact same price.

In conclusion, here's my list of "fuck yous" related to Stephen King's Cell:

1) Stephen King
2) Barnes & Noble
3) "ismelladirtyrat" (rag from eBay)

Frankly that's a shorter list than usual, but this book can still suck my dick.