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The Force

By J. Edward Ames

(1987)

This book's got plenty of violence and gore, but somehow it manages to suck anyway. Maybe it's because it's so stupid. It's basically about this psychiatrist who kidnaps all these girls so he can knock one up with some generic, fly-by-night antichrist (sorry, but I say if no one's heard of your religion, then your antichrist is, by definition, totally weak). The main person who gets in the way is this spunky reporter, so eventually he uses his evil psychiatrist powers (fine, Scientologists, you were right about that one) to possess her kid. I think we're supposed to feel scared for the kid, but it's hard to care what happens to him because frankly he sucks. First off, the cover makes him look like that little wiener from Malcolm in the Middle - you know, with the ears - and who doesn't hate that fucker? Then there's the annoying "crick-crack" bullshit. See, every time the little boy says "crick", his mom says "crack". Maybe people who actually look forward to reading The Family Circus every day would think that was cute, but by the third time they did it I could taste the puke in my mouth, and by the fifth time I was praying for both of them to die unbelievably horrible deaths. Twice, if possible. There's tons of other moronic shit in this book too, like this:

The wind rose out of the desert night with a hollow sound like thousands of mouths blowing into empty pop bottles.

Wow. What amazing imagery. Duh. Then there's the part where the bad guy makes this brilliant observation:

Evil was 'live' spelled backwards.

Holy shit! That would've blown me away, if I was 9. And don't even get me started on all the dumb mistakes. Like is it really possible to have a "bright IQ"? Also, last time I checked Arizona wasn't located in the "American Southeast". The worst thing about this though is the not-so-exciting climax where a hysterical woman and a wheelchair guy "rush" into the desert to rescue this other cat. Hysterical women are even more useless than the regular kind, and have you ever tried to climb a sand dune in a goddamned wheelchair? They would've been better off sending in a blind dude and a fucking tree sloth. Then, just when you think it can't possibly get any more ridiculous, the world is saved by rape and abortion. Ha ha ha! That shouldn't offend anybody.

You know how sometimes people will say that something is a force to be reckoned with? Well, this is a Force to wipe your rectum with.