Literary Picks for Perverts
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THE WORLD OF MR. SATANISM VS.
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By Peter F. Hamilton (1996)
The beginning of this book is fucking terrible- there's just too much ridiculous shit to deal with. I mean, it is sci-fi so I expected the space battles and the antimatter*, but then they pull out the ghost squids and the people with ESP and even "monkey-derived bitek servitors". Monkey butlers! This goddamn book has monkey butlers! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's not the stupidest part though: the stupidest part would be the living spaceships that fly around fucking each other and having spaceship orgasms. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Of course the spaceships lay eggs that hatch little baby spaceships, but I suggest you skip this part because it's so cutesy and nauseating that any normal person who reads it will immediately toss their cookies. ("Free! the egg sang. I'm free!" How fucking gay.) Then there's the main guy, who's such a pimp that it like strains your suspicion of belief or whatever. I mean, he tags a reporter, one of the girls who works on his ship, this super-rich snot who runs a giant space station... he even pulls off the old mother-daughter combo! Seriously, James Bond doesn't lay that much pipe. I hated this asshole. Fortunately, it gets better. These crooks on some backwater planet decide to start a satanic cult, and somehow they manage to open the door to Hell and evil ghosts start possessing everybody. Pretty soon it's like The Exorcist times one million, so what do the good guys do? They call in the space marines! That is so insanely awesome that it makes up for every horny spaceship and monkey butler in the first half. Best of all, it's just completely out of control: there's people getting massacred left & right, possessed people turning into monsters, whole towns getting nuked, a part where a dude drowns in a room full of puke... You won't believe it. The only problem is that there's two more parts to this, and the whole thing is like 4000 pages long! Are you fucking kidding me? Who has that kind of time? If you put it in the bathroom and shit once a day and read three pages per shit, it would take like three and a half years to finish it! Frankly I'm not sure even nerds are willing to make that kind of investment. * "Antimatter" is like the opposite of something that matters. For example, your wife's opinion. Ha! Seriously, though, tell that bitch to put a sock in it.
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YOU don't have to PUT UP with the HIP.
