Let's talk about "fan fiction". "Fan fiction" is when people write stories about their favorite movie or TV show because they can't come up with any ideas of their own. It's like two or three steps below actually learning to speak Klingon, or dressing up as C-3PO to go to the grocery store. It's not just the lowest form of writing, it's the lowest form of life, and it's amazing how truly pathetic it can get when it goes unchecked by its natural predators (lawyers). One time, I found this website where a guy was posting Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction. I didn't read any of it because I've actually fucked girls, but I suspect it went something like this:

Well, believe it or not, back in the 1970s they actually put out two books of nothing but Star Trek fan fiction. That's right, nerds sent in stories, and the Star Trek people picked the best ones (*cough*) and published them. Why would they do this? Because at that point there was only one "Star Trek" show, and it was off the air. There was no Star Trek: The Fake Generation, no Star Trek: Deep Throat 69, no Star Trek: Quantum Leap, and definitely no Star Trek with a goddamned chick captain (Star Trek: Vagina). Hell, you could buy every Star Trek novel ever made for less than 25 bucks, total. (Not that anyone ever did this. I hope.) They had absolutely nothing to lose. Or so they thought.

After three introductions (Christ, get over yourselves) we get to the first story, which is about Spock splitting into two different Spocks so now there's two Spocks. It's boring and awful, and there's like no inherent danger in there being two Spocks (unless you can die from hyper nerd-osity), so it's not like it matters what happens or what anybody does. It's just a story about two Spocks. I give it zero tribbles.

The next... Huh. I just noticed something. This story is by "Juanita Coulson", and the last one was by someone named "Claire". What are the odds that two chicks would... Hey, wait a minute, every single one of these stories is by a chick! What the fuck??? Okay, let's be like Mr. Spock and use logic here: what are the chances that the eight best stories sent in to a Star Trek fan fiction contest would all be by chicks? Hell, what are the chances that any story sent in to a Star Trek fan fiction contest would be by a chick? And, surprise, surprise, who put this book together? Two. Chicks. Could this have been any more fixed??? Seriously, what a fucking scam. There are a couple of not-completely-terrible stories in here (I especially liked "The Winged Dreamers", where we learn that Spock's greatest wish is to spend the rest of his life alone with Captain Kirk. Vulcan queer.), but this whole enterprise is so shady that I'm not even gonna give them the satisfaction. Instead, let's take a look at what someone wrote on the back cover:

Apparently the cat who owned this book before I did planned on jerking off to Traci Lords and/or Nikki Cox. After he finished reading about Star Trek, of course.

Wow. No matter how bad it gets, at least I'm not that guy.