First off, I want to thank the writer of this novel for providing me with a comp copy even after I macked all over her. It's called professionalism, people.

So, I do have to start by pointing out that the entire book is printed in some weird font, which is never a good idea so take my advice aspiring self-published hacks and don't do it. There's a font called "Bookman" for a reason. Once you get past that though (you'll have to read about 20 pages or so before it stops being completely distracting), this book actually kicks some serious ass. The story's about this hard-luck family who loses their house and has to move into a run-down pisshole of horror that makes Amityville 3-D look like Bear's Big Blue House. In No-D. You always see TV shows about people buying their dream house and then finding out it's haunted, and I do feel sorry for those upscale fucks, but imagine how much harder it must suck to find out that the total cesspool you just moved into is haunted. Talk about adding insult to, right? The writer totally nails what it's like to be so destitute that even the cast of Snuffy Smith looks down on you (which leads me to believe that you should all buy a copy of this book immediately so she never has to go through it again), but I don't want to sell the creepy stuff short- there's plenty of that too, and it all builds up to the most disturbing, ruthless twist ending I've ever read. And rest assured, Jarvis, I've read shit that would make you sleep with the lights on for a decade, which would make it a lot harder for you to bang those ugly chicks you're always bringing home so I wouldn't recommend it. Oh, and speaking of that there's a bunch of sex in this book too, so it really does have everything. If Hollywood had any goddamned sense they'd use the Scream 4 script to potty train Justin Bieber and option this instead.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.