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Lifeform
Goddammit, this story could've been pretty awesome, but they assed it all up. It starts when this crook steals some germ warfare shit, gets infected by it, and turns into a monster called the "Lifeform". The Punisher is on the case, and it's not long before he finds out who's behind it all: the Libertarians! Ha! That's hilarious. The Punisher proceeds to shoot the Lifeform with a rocket launcher, and he also shoots a dog in the face plus a few guards who may or may not have been guilty of anything but the fucking Punisher doesn't have time for details like that. When the dust clears the Punisher seems pretty impressed with himself, but what he doesn't know is that this is part of some ridiculous crossover so the Lifeform is still alive.
In Part 2 the Lifeform pops out of the bay and starts creeping around alleys eating people. Alleys are Daredevil's turf, so now he's involved and he shows up just in time to rescue these two clowns:
Okay, seriously, what's with the white guy? He's been in Daredevil comics before and his tongue is hanging out like that every time we see him. Is it supposed to make him look all badass or something? Here's a newsflash to whoever came up with this cat: it doesn't. In fact, he reminds me of this dog my friends used to have that didn't have any teeth. His tongue hung out just like that and trust me, it wasn't badass at all. He looked retarded. Anyway, Daredevil is the bland superhero so not much else happens in his chapter. Oh wait, I mean "blind"; he's the blind superhero. No, never mind, I was right the first time.
Lifeform meets the Hulk next but this part is completely incomprehensible- some alien chick is teleporting people all over the place, everyone stands around yammering about a bunch of philosophy shit like it was "My Dinner with the Lifeform" or something, and at the end there's a fistfight. Frankly your guess is as good as mine.
Finally the Lifeform turns into a gigantic blob made out of all the people it's eaten up to this point, and it looks like this dumb story might actually start to rock. Tough break about this chick though; brunette nurses are my favorite:
Goodbye, Nurse! Unfortunately, they scuttle it by having the Silver Surfer show up, which I guess was inevitable since it's his comic but we can always hope, right? Now the Silver Surfer's pretty tough, but the problem is that he spends about 85% of his time whining about how much everything sucks and how no one likes him because he's different:
He's such an emo douchebag. Somehow though he does manage to see through the tears constantly streaming down his face long enough to catch the Lifeform and take it to this uninhabited planet. Here's what happens next:
So the Silver Surfer just abandons the damn thing there and goes home to listen to Dashboard Confessional, or whatever the hell he does in his spare time. Seriously, can you believe this cocksucker? It might not be so bad if the Silver Surfer didn't try to kill a guy in the very next story in this exact same comic book! What a hypocrite asshole. I can't believe how much this sucked. If they really wanted to make a huge crossover out of this they should've had the Lifeform show up in every single comic that month and eat at least one supporting character. Then in the last chapter all the superheroes would attack the Lifeform at the same time and blow it into a million pieces, and each superhero would have to try to find the piece that had at least part of their friend in it so they could give him or her a decent burial. That would've been great. Instead all we get is a dipshit with his tongue hanging out, a bunch of dollar store philosophy, and the Silver Surfer whining like he has a broken pussy. What a complete waste of time.
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