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Ninja Vermin Overload
Back when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles first came out every talentless jerkoff hack on the planet got the brilliant idea to make their own violent animal comic. Have you ever heard of the "Great Molasses Flood"? This was a real-life thing where a bunch of molasses actually flooded this neighborhood and killed a bunch of people. Well, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rip-offs were kind of like that, except instead of molasses imagine it happening with diarrhea. The one that always pissed me off the most though was the Black Belt Hamsters. First of all, it looks like shit; for example, this is supposed to be a sexy chick:
I'd ask who told this guy that he could draw but I already know the answer: nobody. And the "jokes" aren't any better. Seriously, making fun of the Sex Pistols in 1986? That's some cutting edge shit; maybe you could take a few jabs at that "Industrial Revolution" thing that's going down while you're at it. Mainly though they just bring up stuff that was popular back then and assume it's like automatically funny: Bill Cosby, Jell-O, cocaine, the comic book Secret Wars... Come to think of it, if you had a nightmare about 1986 it would probably contain most of these elements. Here's another brilliant gag from this piece of crap:
Yoda's stoned! Oh, my sides! God damn does this suck. I wouldn't even use it to beat my dog.
Wow, guest-starring the Black Belt Hamsters! That's like thinking you pissed yourself, and then finding out you shit yourself too. The first joke is that it starts "down under", so everything is upside down! Ha ha! And all four koalas are named Bruce! And the bad guy is called Sheik Ratal N'Raul! The koalas are in a band too, which means they keep stopping to sing. That wouldn't necessary be bad, if this wasn't a FUCKING COMIC BOOK. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if there's like one thing comic books aren't exactly great at portraying, it's music. Goddamn morons.
You won't believe this delusional tool: he starts out with a rant about how all these radioactive mutant animal comics suck... except of course his: "I'm setting it straight right now. I ripped-off NO ONE! I ASKED permission!" Yeah, I'll bet it went something like this: Jujitsu Gerbils Guy: "Hey, can I make yet another
lame, shitty ripoff of your comic book?" What a fucking douchebag. The big joke this time is that instead of being teenagers the gerbils are old, and one of them keeps falling asleep. Sort of like anybody who tries to read this. Ha! I'm kidding. If you read this you probably wouldn't fall asleep; you're way more likely to fall into a murderous rage.
The cat who came up with this one put himself in the story and - big surprise - he's a fat dude with a beard. Who would've guessed, right? He also seems a bit confused; see, dipshit, in this country we read from left to right, which might be why your comic doesn't make any sense:
Also our stories tend to have a beginning, middle, and end- they aren't just a bunch of random shit that happens. Not that this would be any good even if it did make sense- I mean, it has a pie fight in it for Christ's sake. When was the last time a pie fight was actually funny? I'm guessing the Industrial Revolution, but only because anybody who wasted pie before that probably starved to death.
I think this one is my favorite. It sucks just as hard as the others, but at least it's fun to say. Try it: "Pre-Teen / Dirty-Gene / Kung-Fu / Kangaroos". That's great.
Samurai Penguin reports to this other penguin who lives in a big Japanese-style house. So penguins are like influenced by Japanese culture? Does that mean that all their music sounds like Sigue Sigue Sputnik and they spend most of their free time drinking Cucumber Pepsi and watching Gamera movies? Too bad this comic isn't influenced by Japanese culture- from what I hear Japanese comics are actually pretty good.
Instead of Miami Vice, they're Miami Mice. Get it? That's pretty much all this piss rag has to offer. There was actually a Hamster Vice comic too, but obviously it's not as good as this one because "Hamster" doesn't rhyme with anything. Okay, I haven't even gotten to the Thermonuclear Samurai Elephants yet but you get the idea. The one good thing about this idiot fad is that lots of comic book stores stocked up on all this shit, and since nobody was dumb enough to buy it an assload of them went out of business, forcing hundreds of fat guys with beards who know what Batman's middle name is to finally stop ripping off little kids and get real jobs. I guess it just goes to show that everything serves a purpose in the universe, even samurai penguins.
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