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I wish I knew what the fucking deal was with Red Sonja comic books in the 1980s.  They brought one out that got cancelled after two issues, then a few months later they started a new one!  If nobody was buying it, why bring it back?  And if people were buying it then why the hell did they cancel it in the first place?  Plus even after they started it over it came out all randomly and shit; like you wouldn't see one for months, then suddenly it would mysteriously return for a while and then disappear again.  And they changed the price like four different times!  Seriously, get your shit together people.  This is no way to run a business.

These first two are pretty pointless.  They start out with all this complicated history about Red Sonja's new dingbat sidechick, then the bim gets killed with a crossbow!  I'm glad I didn't bother memorizing any of that crap.  There's also some pirates, an evil god who gets defeated in like one page (What kind of half-assed god gets it handed to him in one page?  Fucking weak.), and a bunch of antics with the sidekick, like when she uses a hair-growing potion, gets drunk, and bangs a random all in one night and wakes up with a hangover, seven feet of hair, and possibly the clap.  Then there's the part where she starts dancing on tables for money because she doesn't know any better.  Or what about when she gets shot through the heart and dies an agonizing death?  Ha ha!  She's so crazy!

Red Sonja's back, but now it costs a buck instead of 60 cents.  Whatever went wrong the first time around I guess they figured charging more would solve the problem.  After some aimless dicking around, Red Sonja decides to get into it with this one cat who wants to unite a bunch of shitty little dirtball villages into one giant dirtball kingdom.  Naturally Red Sonja wins, even though he has a whole army on his side and all she has are two guys: a jackass who spends every waking moment macking on her, and a wizard who talks a big game but is pretty much a one trick pony, and that trick is called "flash powder".  The dumbest part of this story is the end- this big flying demon gets killed and is falling right towards the main bad guy, so instead of taking a couple of steps to the left he just stands there making one of those "this can't be happening to me, I'm so-and-so" speeches until the bastard lands on him and crushes him to death.  Then it explodes.  Give me a fucking break.

Okay, now it's 60 cents again.  How did they expect anybody to keep this straight?  And I'm getting pretty fed up with this fraud of a wizard:

"Not even my magic could blah blah blah..."  What, you mean the flash powder?  Seriously, shut the fuck up.  The stories actually start to get pretty cool though- there's mermaids and a giant octopus and zombies and "wheat demons" and all sorts of crazy shit.  So of course they decide to screw it all up:

Am I reading that right?  Three chicks are making this comic now?  Sure enough, right out of the gate Red Sonja and another broad spend two pages talking about clothes.  Jesus fucking Crom- I give it ten more issues before Red Sonja decides she has to have a baby.  Fortunately for us it didn't last that long.  In fact, these airheads did such a terrible job that after they got this one cancelled nobody made another Red Sonja comic book for like a decade.  Nice work, you ditzy hacks.

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