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Sheer Torch-er

Okay, for those of you who use your brain for important things - like remembering how to drive, or your wife's first name - there are two Human Torches. One is the guy you know from the movies and cartoons and shit, and the other one is a robot from World War Part 2. For a while everybody thought the robot Human Torch got turned into another robot called the Vision, but later it turned out that some time travel guy changed the past so that the robot Human Torch got turned into the Vision but he also didn't get turned into the Vision and now he's actually two completely different cats - the Human Torch and the Vision - at the exact same time.

Did you ever notice that whenever you explain a comic book to someone, you always end up feeling like kind of a retard?

Anyway, both Human Torches are "NOW IN THE SAME BLAZING MAG!" Even better, it's a "FLAMING FIRST ISSUE!" Ha ha! Fags. In the first story, someone keeps sabotaging this new amusement park; every time they safety-test a ride, something terrible happens:

They don't know if the rides work right or not and they're sending actual people up there? Their insurance must be through the roof. The Human Torch manages to save everybody, but he still can't figure out what's going on, until...

That's right- these jokers went to all this trouble because they were afraid someone would see their submarine. Submarines can hide underwater, you goddamned imbeciles. My buddy Dwighty is right- Communism just doesn't work.

As moronic as that story was, the 1940s one with the robot Human Torch is even stupider. I'm not gonna go into a lot of detail here: basically this disenfranchised worker starts a riot by hanging a big balloon out of a window (there was a war on, so people were a lot more skittish back then), and the Human Torch shows up and heroically saves the day, if you can call someone who can fly and change himself into fire popping a balloon and then beating up a regular guy "heroic". Even worse, this is written so bad that it switches from happening in the present tense to happening in the past tense in the middle of a sentence:

Are you kidding me? I can't believe somebody actually got paid good cash money (or war bonds, whatever) to come up with this crap. How can a robot be the Human Torch anyway? Duh.