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7 Days to Live

(2000)

This writer and his ugly, ugly, ugly wife move into a haunted house. I think it's important that I like emphasize how truly nasty this chick is: her face could peel paint, and when she smiles it's like a slap in the face. Seriously, I almost fucking puked every time they showed her. You really have to wonder what sort of lifestyle this guy leads to end up married to something like that. Jesus fucking Christ, it's time to sober up, buddy.

So anyway, the ugly broad keeps getting these messages saying "You have 6 days to live", "You have 5 days to live" etc. She also has these nightmares about their dead kid, and in one part she wakes up and her legs are all covered in... well, it could be mud, but she acts really embarrassed and rushes to wash the sheets before her husband finds out, so frankly I think she shit herself. What a disgusting bitch. She's pretty stupid, too: at the end when her husband has her tied to the bed and is ranting & waving a hammer around she's like "I'm willing to do anything you want to make this relationship work." Duh. As you can see, it's basically a ripoff of The Shining (crazy writer gets possessed and tries to kill his hideous, annoying wife), except of course The Shining is actually good. At the very end the whole basement fills with brown slop (I guess this is supposed to be all freaky, but it just reminded me of the time my grandpa's septic tank backed up), then all these zombies show up and the entire house sinks into the ground, which was actually pretty cool but since that's only one minute of the movie and the other 92 minutes suck ass it doesn't do a whole lot of good. And frankly when it was all over I kind of had to wonder if the main guy was really possessed after all- I mean, if you had a wife this goddamned rogue & stupid who was always shitting the bed wouldn't you try to bump her off?