Home

Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy

(1955)

You know what Abbott and Costello really need to meet? Some fucking tits. Anyway, you know how these Abbott & Costello movies go: the fat one (does anybody really know which is which?) always finds a monster or a dead body or something, so he runs and gets the skinny one, but by the time they get back it's gone so the skinny one says he's an idiot and slaps him in the face. It's classic. I guess. Unfortunately, this is one of those movies that just raises too many questions. For example, how did the doctor who was studying the mummy not notice that it was fucking alive? And how did he turn on his tape recorder after he was dead? Why do all the Egyptian cops look like Klingons? Why doesn't anybody nail the evil chick? She's fucking hot. And evil. Oh, and deranged apparently:

Hot, Evil Chick: "My dear professor, some of the men I have met have acted like mummies, and others have certainly acted like they were 4000 years old. But I've never met one I was afraid of..."

What the hell does that mean? I get the 4000-year-old part (that's why they invented Viagra), but how does a guy "act like a mummy"? Maybe it's some cosplay thing. At any rate, this whole movie is a complete disaster, and the fucking mummy doesn't even get in on the action until the last twenty minutes and even then one cat temporarily puts him out of commission just by hitting him over the head with a stick. The worst though is that the credits say that Abbott & Costello are supposed to be two guys named "Pete" and "Freddie", but the whole time they just call each other "Abbott" and "Costello"! Talk about lazy and unprofessional. As far as I'm concerned, next time Abbott & Costello should meet my foot. Right up their asses.