Video Picks for Perverts
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THE WORLD OF MR. SATANISM VS.
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(2004)
Some people might not know what a curb job is, so I'll tell you. A curb job is when you take some prick and put his face against the curb and stomp on the back of his head so all his teeth get knocked out. You need to know that before you read this review because that's what I'm gonna do to the guy who made this movie if I ever get my hands on him. It starts out with this guy who looks like the time your drunk uncle dressed as Indiana Jones. He kills this monster, but a hundred years later these Junior Woodchuck archeologists dig it up and it melts this kid's hand and comes back to life. The dude in charge of the archeologists is this super annoying Indian guy, and he decides to get Young Van Helsing to help him stop the monster. Young Van Helsing is sort of like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, except he's a total moron and while I watched this I didn't have any fantasies about him sitting on my face while wearing nothing but knee-high socks. He gets picked on by the jocks at school but this is one of those times where I have to side with the jocks, and he's also in this band that really sucks. His fat friend who steals mail is in the band with him, plus there's this smokin' hot blonde chick hanging around, but she never gets naked so I forgot who she was. The Indian guy tells Young Van Helsing and his idiot friends all about the monster and says they need to find this magic scepter to kill it. Too bad for them the fat kid stole the scepter out of the mail and buried it and forgot where. Then the monster busts into Young Van Helsing's garage and attacks everybody. After some fucking around and yelling they find the scepter (it's like two blocks from Young Van Helsing's house- what the fuck kind of quest is that?) and kill the monster, but the movie isn't over yet, because their band still has to play at this dance. I thought the end of a movie is supposed to be the most exciting part, but the last seven minutes are just this shitty band that sounds like Creed. The only thing, and I mean the only thing, that could have saved this movie is if the blonde got naked; but even if she stripped it all off and masturbated for like twenty minutes it would still be a hard call.
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YOU don't have to PUT UP with the HIP.
