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Alien Express

(2005)

These alien puppets with head colds invade this train and start eating people, so La Bamba and Willis (as in "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout...?") have to stop them. Willis is already on the train, but La Bamba has to jump onto the roof from a helicopter. Of course when he gets ready to do it the train is about to go into a tunnel, but he has to take the chance anyway because the helicopter "can't fly over the mountain." Uh, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what helicopters do: fly over stuff.  Fucking retards.

Now, normally when aliens invade a train they would just stop the train and everybody would get off, but they can't do that this time because, get this: the brakes don't work, the guy who drives the train is dead, they can't get to the controls because the door is locked, they're on a collision course with another train, the other train is carrying nuclear waste, if they hit the other train with the nuclear waste it will cause a nuclear explosion*, and the only other track they can switch the train to leads off a cliff. When there's a story like this in a movie, you know the people who made it are pretty much just telling you to go fuck yourself. Even Willis deserves better than this. Remember the episode where he smoked that huge bag of dope? That one was awesome.

* Duh. Everybody knows nuclear waste doesn't explode- it just turns you into a dinosaur or gives you superpowers.