Home

The Apple

(1980)

It's the future - 1994 - and music fucking sucks (well, they got that prediction right at least). Oh, and of course the world is all fascist and evil. But the worst thing about the, er, future is the way everything looks: the clothes are like a mix between mod, new wave, glam rock, and disco, cobbled together by someone who doesn't understand any of those things, and the buildings and cars are almost as bad. Apparently the people who made this flick thought that the future would be like Logan's Run by way of Alpha Complex, designed by a blind person, and then covered with copious amounts of chrome stickers.* Anyway, everything is controlled by this huge record company run by the Devil, and he talks this cute chick into signing a contract to be the next big thing. Of course she eventually decides that fame isn't all it's cracked up to be (even though it is), so she runs away to find her boyfriend, who didn't sign the Devil's contract and ended up living with a bunch of hippies in a cave underneath a bridge in a van down by the river. So... hippies are the heroes of this movie? In 1980? How fucking out of touch can you get??? And how can they stand to live in a cave? Simple: "These people don't like television," says their leader. So that clears that up. Anyway, the Devil eventually finds them, but before he can have everybody arrested God shows up in the Repo Man car and leads the whole lot of them into outer space. There's no air in outer space, so I assume that means all the hippies died, which is something at least.

Incidentally, I think the leader of the hippies and God are supposed to be the same guy, which, if true, means that when I die I'm doubly fucked.

*Remember those? I used to have some of Garfield.