Beyond Westworld

(1980)

If you ever saw Westworld, you know that it's about this future amusement park where you can shoot robot cowboys and fuck hot robot sluts and all sorts of crazy shit, until the cat from The Magnificent Seven goes completely bananas and snuffs a bunch of people and the party's pretty much over. Well they made a Westworld TV show too, and it starts with the people who ran the place finding out that not only is one joker the source of all their grief, but he also made off with like 200 robots and wants to use them to take over the world. You think you're all clever for "borrowing" those computer monitors? Try sneaking out of the office with 200 life-size robot cowboys. So anyway, the Westworld cats figure they have enough legal problems, so they put together the usual team (a heroic guy, a smart guy, a cute chick, and a robot) to stop him. In the first episode the good guys find out that one of the evil robots might be on this nuclear submarine. You'd think they'd dry-dock the submarine until they could see which crew member magnets stick to (or however you test for robots), but they just go ahead and let it go on maneuvers or whatever so naturally the robot takes over the sub and tries to shoot a missile at the good guys' headquarters. The best part is when they actually announce it over the building intercom ("Attention! This is not a drill! A special emergency exists! A missile is aimed at us!") so of course everyone who works there starts running around screaming and there's practically a goddamned riot. Way to go, idiots.

I guess they figured the cute chick wasn't quite cute enough, because for the rest of the show (all four episodes) they replaced her with the Greatest American Hero's girlfriend, and they dumped the good robot too, probably to keep people from confusing this with Buck Rogers. Evil robots turn up as a football player, a rock star with heart-shaped sunglasses (Ha ha! Fag.), a cop, the Professor from Gilligan's Island, and Star Trek's Sulu. Most of them get destroyed when they get electrocuted (you can barely use a fucking flashlight in this show without getting electrocuted), but they do impale one with those forklift things on the front of a garbage truck and throw another one - who's carrying a nuclear bomb - out of an airplane. They are over the ocean for that last one, but that's still pretty fucking irresponsible if you ask me. There's Westworld movie posters all over the place to remind us why we're watching this, but frankly it's all pretty pointless. Except for the episode where the Greatest American Hero's girlfriend is wearing short shorts and thigh highs. That's so fucking hot.