Video Picks for Perverts
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THE WORLD OF MR. SATANISM VS.
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(1991)
This is the worst vampire movie I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot. It's basically a ripoff of that game Vampire: The Masquerade (if you never heard of it ask one of your goth friends- she'll know): the vampires are called "Carpathians", they have like this secret vampire organization, they're all super uptight and anal, etc. I think the people who made it were a little confused though: you can kill a Carpathian just by hitting him with your car, sunlight doesn't hurt them, they don't have any special powers, and they don't need to drink blood. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that means they aren't vampires! Of course there's a bunch of vampire hunters out to kill every Carpathian they can get their hands on anyway, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What are they afraid non-blood-drinking vampires are going to do? Jaywalk? Cheat on their taxes? Take two newspapers out of the machine after they only paid for one? Even the young vampires who (according to the grown-ups) are completely out of control don't do anything worse than drink whiskey and vandalize shit. Oh no! In the end it all leads to a huge fight with baseball bats, because everybody knows that the only way to kill a vampire - besides running him over with a car or just waiting for him to die of old age - is to beat him to death with a Louisville Slugger. The only good thing about this movie is that Michelle Johnson is in it and she's fucking hot, but they never show her naked. (I know this was made for TV, but they could have at least edited in some of Michelle's tits for the video version.) If you like vampires, you should rent this movie and piss on it.
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YOU don't have to PUT UP with the HIP.
