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Boogeyman

(2005)

Look, if you're gonna make a lame, weak, pussified movie that completely jews us out of the tits and gore could you at least have it make some goddamned sense? The story is about this guy who saw his dad dragged into the closet by the boogeyman. He's all grown-up now, but he's scared of closets and for some reason that they never bother to explain the boogeyman comes back and tries to kill every chick he has any chance of porking. Maybe it's supposed to be some sort of gay thing, like him being afraid of closets = being afraid to come out of the closet, but that still doesn't explain why the boogeyman also kills his uncle. Then again, maybe it does. Gross. I still can't figure out why destroying some old action figure kills the boogeyman though, or why the main guy has all the boogeyman's powers, like being able to travel from closet to closet and shit. Maybe the main guy is the boogeyman's illegitimate son by way of the uncle, who molested him when he was a kid, and when the authorities got involved he had to point to the action figure to show the court where his uncle touched him. But then why is he so afraid to come out of the closet? You know what; it's just not worth figuring out. Screw this movie.