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Breakaway

(1996)

The main reason I watched this movie is because Tonya Harding is in it and I really wanted to see her tits. Well, it looks like Mr. Satanism got screwed again because not only does she not get naked, she's barely in the movie! It's mainly about this other cute chick who pisses off the mob, so she swipes $300,000 from them and tries to take off with her loser boyfriend. Naturally a bunch of wops come after her, and all these other people get caught up in it too, like a teacher, a hitman, and of course Tonya (for like two seconds). The mob guys are the best part of the movie: their boss tells one of them to kill the main chick "quietly", so he chases her across an airport runway on a motorcycle in broad daylight while firing a handgun at her. And she still manages to get away. The rest of his crew isn't much better- the boss has to bitch them out for playing basketball while they're supposed to be guarding his mansion, and later when they're out looking for the chick they just barge into public places waving guns around like common negroes, that is when they're not sitting around taking a sandwich break. The mob just ain't what it used to be. Somehow they manage to catch the chick anyway, and that's when the boss drops this huge bombshell: "Think you were really chasing after a crummy $300,000?" Holy shit! So what's really going on? Don't worry, they forget to tell us. As for the money, Tonya Harding ends up with that, and the last part shows her on the beach ordering a mixed drink, which is what everybody who scams a shitload of money always does at the end of the movie. Just once I'd like to see one of these people use a little imagination. Oh well, at least we get to see Tonya in a bikini top.

Naturally a bunch of people get shot in this flick, but fake blood must not have been on sale that week because even when one guido gets it in the back of the head at point blank range there's not a drop in sight. The main chick does show off her tits a couple of times, which is better than nothing, but dammit she's no Tonya Harding. Then again, who is?