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Caddyshack II

(1988)

Everybody knows that Caddyshack is the greatest movie in the universe, and that Caddyshack II is an unbelievable piece of shit. The thing that sucks though is that with just a few changes it could've been an okay flick. So instead of just reviewing the movie, let's see how it could be fixed:

Okay, the first thing that happens is that this bitchy chick tells a caddy to run all the way across the golf course to get her a soda. The song in this part is awesome, but it's pointless because nothing interesting happens. What they should've done is have a really cool guy offer the caddy like a hundred bucks if he can get back with a soda in ten minutes, so he runs as fast as he can, knocking people over and cutting through the clubhouse and shit, to win the money. That would've been funny. Plus two seconds later when we find out all the caddies are gonna get fired it could be like his little escapade was the last straw or something.

Why does he run in front of these people when he could just run behind them? It just doesn't make any sense.

Next we meet the main guy, Jackie Gleason or whatever his name is. Okay, the number one problem with this cat is that he isn't funny: every time he talks all I hear is "Your grandma just died." But we'll assume we have to keep him because it's in the Caddyshack II contract or something. His cute daughter wants him to join the Bushwood country club, so he goes and meets Ty Webb from the first movie. This part is okay, but for some reason Ty keeps dropping stuff like he used to do on Saturday Night Live. Since this isn't Saturday Night Live I can only assume that whoever wrote this part was confused, so we'll take that out. And since the only funny thing Jackie Gleason says in this part is stolen from Hunter S. Thompson, we'll just let Ty Webb do all the talking.

Jackie Gleason goes to play golf with the president of the club. In one part he uses this crazy high-tech golf club and it stops some guy's pacemaker. Now that's hilarious, except then they go out of their way to make sure we know the guy's okay and it totally ruins the joke. What did they think, that people who would see a movie like Caddyshack II are so sensitive that they might get upset and cry or something if somebody died in it? Duh. In my version, not only would Jackie Gleason's gizmo stop every pacemaker in the place, it would also make golf carts lose control and crash into shit and maybe even bring down an airplane. Now that's comedy.

Duh.

Like the rest of the world, nobody at the country club likes Jackie Gleason and they won't let him join, so he gets pissed off, buys the place, and turns it into a giant Putt-Putt course. Okay, that's fucking stupid- Caddyshack is supposed to be about regular people irritating stuck-up people. If a regular person owns the country club what's the fucking point? Why are the rich people even still hanging out there? Wouldn't they just go somewhere else? A better idea would have been for him to like buy up all the stuff they need to run the place. Then you could show snobs having to order in pizza at the clubhouse, or diving into water hazards for stray balls so they can still play golf.

Towards the end the president of the country club gets fed up and hires one of the Ghostbusters to murder Jackie Gleason. Unfortunately, it's this guy:

Okay, he sucks. Everybody thinks he's funny, but stop and think about it for a minute- except for Ghostbusters and maybe one or two other movies, pretty much everything he's ever done is a piece of shit. The Great Outdoors? Nothing But Trouble? Coneheads? Give me a fucking break. This time around his big shtick is talking in a stupid voice. Ha ha ha! What a comedic genius. In my version I'd just leave him out altogether. In fact, I might even be willing to pay him to stay away.

Of course at the end the main people all play golf against each other, and I'm not sure how to fix that because no matter what you do watching people play golf is going to be boring. Maybe the caddy from the beginning could be playing to get his job back or something, since the movie almost completely forgot he existed.

There you go- that's how you make Caddyshack II. Too bad the people who really made it were fucking hacks.