Call Me Claus

(2001)

Is there anyone on Earth who actually likes Whoopi Goldberg? She's so fucking hideous and obnoxious. One time - this is totally true - I worked with this black chick and when some dude tried to mack on her by telling her she looked like Whoopi Goldberg she punched him in the face. It was hilarious. In this movie Santa Claus has to find a replacement ASAP or the North Pole will melt and flood the world (the "Waterworld Clause" one elf calls it), and for some bizarre reason he picks Whoopi Goldberg. It must be a Christmas miracle, because there's actually a couple of cool/funny parts towards the beginning, but mostly it's boring, smarmy, annoying, and stupid. Plus it's completely unrealistic: like for example, Whoopi's boss keeps hitting on her, and he isn't even blind. And who would pick her to be Santa Claus anyway? She looks like the Predator. I know if I thought the fucking Predator was coming down my chimney I'd shoot first and ask questions later, so did he ever stop to think that maybe she wasn't exactly the best choice for this particular gig? Use your head, Santa. Criminy.

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