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Catacombs

(2006)

Okay, the beginning of this movie is a little unrealistic because they make it seem like it's a big chore to get into France, like they're gonna search through all your stuff and give you a hard time and shit. That's totally false; the last time I went to France me and my boy Jones got off the plane with a case of Red Bull (which was illegal there at the time because the French are pussies and everyone was afraid they couldn't handle it), a bag of grass, a baby that didn't belong to us, and a bunch of rifles and they didn't even bat an eye. In fact, they wouldn't even take the time to stamp our passports because that meant they would have to stop smoking. For real, it's a total miracle no one's blown up the Eiffel Tower yet.

Anyway, the main chick in this movie goes to France to see her sister, who turns out to be Pink, by which I mean the pop star, by which I mean the hot chick, not the cat from The Wall. Pink takes her to this awesome underground (literally) party, but the main chick is just a huge pain in the ass, and after she's done whining and being a total drag she wanders off and gets lost, and that's when the crazy, Leatherface-type bastard shows up. She almost escapes when le porcs raid the place, but she manages to knock herself out instead (God, what an annoying twat) and when she comes to everyone's gone and she's totally fucked. This has gore, Satanism, French people dying, and tits so it's pretty good, but it sucks that Pink bites it without ever showing us her rack (or her pink), and frankly I spent most of the movie wanting to haul back and punch the main chick right in the pussy. Seriously, I'm not even sure I could put up with her if she was sucking my dick and cooking me steak & eggs at the same time. She really is that irritating. Fortunately the last thing she says is so ruthless and badass that she totally redeems herself: "Airport, please." Trust me, when you see the movie you'll understand.