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A Certain Sacrifice

(1980)

This kid hates his dad because he yells all the time and makes him rake the leaves every day ("David was not into the leaf-raking scene," says the narrator cat, who sounds like Cheech & Chong). He decides to go away to college, but frankly the school he got into seems pretty shitty. I mean, it has a building called the "Learnin' Center":

Obviously he's wasting his time here, so he runs away to New York City. The first thing that happens in New York is that he meets Madonna and starts fucking her, so I guess he made the right choice. Madonna is a bit of a freak (in one scene she lets a normal guy, a chick, and a guy in drag tear off her top and fool around with her), but she decides she's totally in love with the main guy so she promises to stop fucking everyone else. (Ha! I've heard that one before.) Things go okay for a while, until this annoying old dude starts talking to Madonna's boyfriend in a diner and the boyfriend makes fun of him. The old dude gets all pissy and starts making trouble, and later when he sees them at another diner he rapes Madonna in the bathroom and tells the boyfriend "If there's anything left over you can have it." Madonna didn't get to be one of the biggest stars in the world by putting up with this kind of shit though, so rounds up all of her freaky friends and they kidnap the old dude right off the street. They tie him up, sing a song about how they're gonna kill him, and then ice the bastard and wrap things up by smearing his blood all over themselves. It's all pretty dumb and it looks like home movies, but you do get to see a super young Madonna's tits, so there is that to consider. This DVD is a lot cheaper than her stupid book.