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Child of Darkness
Child of Light

(1991)

Just once I wanna see an antichrist movie that doesn't have the goddamned Catholics in it. I mean, I know they're like the creepiest of all the main religions, but it'd be interesting to see how the Mormons or those shady, wishy-washy Unitarians would handle this kind of shit. On the plus side, at least there's a bunch of Catholic schoolgirls running around. See, one of them got herself knocked up (I swear I wasn't even in town that day), but she says she's still a virgin. Yeah, yeah, I've heard that one before. Let me guess: you busted your hymen horseback riding and then a baby just accidentally fell in there. Tramp. Anyway, later another pregnant virgin turns up; all these disasters start happening; a mysterious guy with two crows keeps creeping around (at first I thought he was supposed to be Odin, and it's too bad he wasn't because that movie might have actually been interesting); a bunch of dumb kids die; an ugly nun tells one of the chicks "You're the devil's whore" (my mom used to say that to my dates all the time) then shows up for dinner in the buff; and we get an eyeful of this ol' lady's granny panties while she's falling off a roof. Oh, and it all ends with a car chase, just like in the Bible. Besides being phenomenally stupid and having way too many parts where we see an old lady's granny panties this movie's completely fucking boring, it's not gory, there's no tits, and the schoolgirls' skirts are way too long. And don't even get me started on the kids' little X-Men/Misfits of Science battle at the very end; it's like the people who made this realized that their movie was only 99% retarded so they tacked that on there to give themselves a perfect score. What an idiotic piece of shit.