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CHiPs '99

(1998)

CHiPs was this hilarious 1970s TV show that made fun of cops and shit. Every episode there was an awesome out-of-control car crash where like a hundred cars would all pile up on each other, and then the two main cops would chase after the person who caused the crash in the first place.* The two cops were this blond guy and a wop; the wop was supposed to be all cool and like a sex symbol or something, but he was actually a complete fucking dork and everyone who watched the show hated him.

Anyway, every show has to have like a reunion so in this movie the wop dude comes back and rejoins the force because he's not making enough money being a has-been. Things don't go so hot for him though because this other cop gives him a ticket for driving like a jackass and everyone keeps calling him "Paunch" I guess because of his huge beer gut. Meanwhile, this super-bitchy (but hot) chick and her gang are stealing all these cars and selling them to Mexico. You would think that the cops would chase after the car thieves and there would be a bunch of accidents and cars getting fucked up and shit and that would be the story, but instead the blond cop goes on Judge Judy because some guy's dog is crapping in his yard! What the fuck? Any time you have to listen to that ignorant high school dropout Judge "My Pussy Dried Up in the '80s" Judy is bad enough, but what the Christ-kicking fuck does she have to do with anything? Did they like hire the guy who writes Judge Judy to do this movie and he was too hung over so he just gave them one of his old Judge Judy scripts instead? It's fucking ridiculous. This is seriously the biggest goddamned rip-off of all time, and everybody involved can get down on their hands and knees and suck my frighteningly huge cock. Actually, forget that. I don't want Judge Judy anywhere near my cock.

*It was almost always some housewife whose brakes went out and who didn't know how to use the emergency brake, or at the very least to stop accelerating.