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The Christmas Season Massacre

(2001)

Here's another piece of shit. This white trash guy with an eyepatch goes around killing all these retards who made fun of him for having only one shoe. You know, people leave shoes lying by the side of the road all the time- if it was that big of a deal to him, why didn't he just pick one of them up? Duh. Some of the chicks in this movie show off their tits, but since the main reason the killer's able to catch most of them is because they're too fat to run away it's not like that's a good thing. The only interesting parts are when the cutest chick (by default) gets stabbed in the pussy,* and when this one guy nails his (fat, hideous) girl while wearing a cardboard watermelon on his head because, really, how often are you going to see that? And what does any of this have to do with Christmas? They say it's happening during Christmas, but there's no snow or Santa Claus or fingering your girlfriend under the table during Christmas dinner while her dad's going on and on about your "plans for his daughter" or anything. Die Hard takes place around Christmas, but they didn't call that "Die Hard... on Christmas".  So in addition to sucking, this movie is totally dishonest. The credits do say it was made in Missouri though, so as far as I'm concerned that explains everything.

*I'm giving her props as one of the best parts of the movie because everything else is so much worse, but I'd need to chug about eight or nine before I'd fuck her, which is too bad because she'd be decent looking if she lost like ten pounds. Okay, fifteen.