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The Christmas Wife

(1988)

Max Dugan wants his family to come home for the holidays, but since there's four of them and only one of him they think he should come visit them. He's so fucking stubborn though that he totally refuses and pays an escort company to hook him up instead! Now that might make sense if he was trying to get some yuletide action, but he just wants someone to spend Christmas with, as long as it isn't his family because they won't do things his way. Seriously, what a cock. The rest of the movie is just Max and the flakey old bag the escort service dug up* having the dullest conversation in the history of the world until it finally decides to end which I'm pretty sure was at least 18 hours later. It did seem like something interesting (if gross) was gonna happen when Max talked about playing with his "tiffle" (Old Bag: "Your tiffle? I'd like to see that."), but it turns out that's just a ukulele. This flick really is the worst ever; being in solitary confinement is probably less boring. I honestly can't believe I got through it without killing myself.

*I don't mean "dug up" literally, but from the looks of her it won't be long.