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Conjure

(2006)

First off, the guy who made this needs to get the fuck over himself. Seriously, for the first ten minutes all he does is talk about how awesome he is. Okay, we get it: your girlfriend is hot as balls and you met C-3PO once. Now shut the hell up and get on with the story already, you egotistical bastard.

The horror starts when the main guy finds a photograph of some old house and decides to paint it. (I mean he decides to paint a picture of it; he isn't planning on driving out to the actual place and giving it a fresh coat of semi-gloss or anything.) Of course the painting comes out great because he's so amazing, but this fourth-rate Poltergeist nonsense starts to go down and suddenly he's having a seizure and making goofy faces like Rush Limbaugh used to do when he made fun of liberals on his TV show. Next thing you know, the main guy and his girlfriend wake up right outside the house in the picture! When they go inside they find all this weird tacky shit, and later they get trapped in the place and attacked by a bunch of cheesy ghosts. The girlfriend is so fine I'd pay good cash money (by which I mean euros, obviously) for a thermos full of her spit, but she never gets naked which like eliminates the number one reason anybody would actually sit through this piece of crap. I did like the part where the main guy escapes from one of the ghosts by hiding behind the davenport, though. Truly they are formidable opponents.

Next time how about conjuring up a movie that doesn't suck so much ass?