Cronos

(1993)

An old dude who sells junk (I mean like antiques, not horse*) finds this contraption that injects him with some shit that makes you live forever. This Howard Hughes-type guy wants the contraption, so he sends his weird nephew to get it and when the old guy won't cough it up the nephew puts him in a car and pushes him over a cliff. The old dude was already doing crazy vampire shit like licking blood off bathroom floors, but after the cliff incident he's pretty fucked-up and more-or-less completely zombified. He ends up finding his way home though and his granddaughter decides to help him. The granddaughter is one of those little kids who's all cute and shy and never says a word- in other words, unbelievably irritating. I kept hoping that when he finally became a complete vampire or zombie or whatever was eventually going to happen he would grab that little brat and pull her motherfucking arms off or something. I bet she'd make some noise then. Unfortunately that doesn't happen, and in the end when he tracks down the bad guys to work them over even that isn't very bloody. You're a fucking zombie (or whatever) dude- rip their heads off or tear some guts out or something! Jesus.

*By which I mean smack.

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