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His Secret Life

(2005)

I love these fucking Lifetime movies that try to turn every little thing into some huge drama (Fruity Pebbles: His Secret Addiction). I know most chicks lead desperate, boring lives filled mainly with vacuuming and shoe buying, but not everything that annoys you is worth freaking out over or making a movie about. What's next: He Tracked Mud on the New Carpet: The Sarah Mitchell Story? Or here's a good one: Dark Temptations: Fudge in the Fridge. I haven't done any research on this or anything, but I think it's safe to say that most kids who look at internet porn (which is all of them) don't end up trying to drown themselves in the school swimming pool over it. Duh. My favorite part is when the mom first finds out:

Mom: "Justin's looking at porn!"
Dad: "Okay. Goodnight, honey."

Of course since this movie is ridiculous, that's not the end of it. By the time it's all over "Justin" loses his girlfriend, gets thrown off the swim team, commits credit card fraud, gets his ass kicked, and finally tries to kill himself! Ha ha ha ha! Give me a break. The clincher though is when this one hottie offers to throw it out to him and he turns her down! You expect us to believe that this kid looks at porn 24/7 and then tells the real thing no? He doesn't have a problem with pornography; he has a problem with being an idiot.