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Die Another Day

(2002)

What dropout came up with the idea of making Remington Steele James Bond anyway? Remington Steele's a pussy. It was probably the same dolt who decided to have M get a sex-change operation (too bad it didn't quite take- tough break, M). This time around, Remington Steele gets captured and they torture him until he agrees to stop being James Bond. He still has this movie to finish though, so after he gets traded back to the limeys for some other idiot (He doesn't even escape on his own? What a girl.) he decides to get revenge. The bad guys are a dude with diamonds stuck in his face (Why the fuck doesn't he just get those removed? Duh.) and an irritating prettyboy who looks like the douche who always macks on your girlfriend at the bar. A couple of drunk frat guys should be able to handle these clowns, so normally they wouldn't be a problem for James Bond. But remember, this is James "Remington Steele" Bond: I mean, he drinks a damn mojito in one part. He's a complete fucking fag.

Obviously this movie sucks, but they're not through with us yet: when they get to the part where they give Remington Steele all his little gizmos and pranks and shit, one of them is an invisible car. What the fuck?????  Jesus licensed-to-kill Christ, why not just give him superpowers and be done with it? Speaking of superheroes, the bad guy's fortress looks like the Hall of Justice, and it's made out of ice. Naturally there's a part where Remington Steele has a car chase, with his invisible car, through the ice Hall of Justice. You would think it couldn't get any stupider, until the main bad guy puts on his RoboCop armor and starts controlling this giant space laser with the Nintendo Power Glove. The only good part is where these two chicks have a swordfight- too bad the hot one loses. If you like James Bond, watching this movie is like getting kicked in the balls. Good riddance, Remington Steele.