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The Dinosaur Chronicles

(2004)

There's actually two stories in this movie, each one stupider than the other. In the first story, three dorks accidentally go back in time and end up trapped on an island full of dinosaurs stolen from another movie. They get attacked by some puppets and the worst giant spider since Nude for Satan and one guy gets shit on by a pterodactyl, but at least they don't starve because they manage to find a crashed plane that was apparently transporting a bunch of Tupperware containers full of breakfast cereal. (If you were one of the people who donated to USA for Africa in the 1980s, I hope you realize that this is what your money bought.) I guess they couldn't think of anything else to happen after that because then a volcano erupts and they only manage to survive by jumping in the swimming pool. The dude who's drunk the whole time is kind of funny - even when he's puking he stops to take a drink - but other than that this is pretty weak.

In the second story World War Part 3 happens and you know who comes back after that. No, not Jesus- dinosaurs. These two dorks who are hiding from the dinosaurs in an office building decide they need to team up and whack some drip named Caesar ("What is this guy, a living salad?" says one. Ha ha! You asshole.). First they look for Caesar in the basement; he isn't there, but one of the dorks gets killed by a dinosaur puppet. I don't know how he plans to pull it off since he only has a squirt gun, but the other dork decides to finish their mission and he finally tracks Caesar down and barges in on him while he's playing video games. Then the movie just stops.

Suck my warm-blooded balls, Dinosaur Chronicles.