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Doctor Doom

(1978/1981)

Doctor Doom decides he needs some bread (to take over the world, of course), and the easiest way he can figure to get it is to send the Fantastic Four back in time to steal pirate treasure. What?? Okay, do I really need to explain this? If you can travel through time stealing pirate treasure is probably the least convenient way to get money. And did this jackass ever stop to think that if he didn't invest in like all the R&D and production necessary to build the time machine in the first place he'd probably have plenty of cash? I suppose he could've put all those costs on his credit card or something, but that just raises more questions, like who would extend Doctor Doom a line of credit? He does own his own country, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the crummy ones near Russia where the monetary unit is like the beet or something. I just don't see any bank taking on that kind of risk.

So anyway, the Fantastic Four go back in time. Well, some of them- Doctor Doom decides to hold on to the Invisible Girl for collateral, and the Human Torch isn't even around. I guess it's his day off. That leaves the Thing, Mr. Fan-fuckin'-tastic, and their little flying robot, at least two of which should stick out like sore thumbs in pirate days but hardly anybody seems to notice. They find the treasure, but Mr. Fantastic pulls a fast one and gives Doctor Doom a chest full of rocks instead! "I promised to bring you Blackbeard's treasure chest; I never promised what would be inside," he says. Ha ha! Jesus. Needless to say Doctor Doom tries to kick their asses, but he's foiled again because apparently he wasn't aware that the Invisible Girl can turn invisible. You know, I really don't remember Doctor Doom being this stupid in the comic books.

Doctor Doom isn't through yet; next he decides to destroy New York City with an earthquake. This plan isn't anywhere near as ridiculous as his first one, but Spider-Man shows up and manages to foil it anyway. The best thing about this episode is when they show some of Doctor Doom's robots and they're fuchsia! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Fuchsia robots! What a fag.