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Dominion
Prequel to the Exorcist

(2004)

Okay, so it wasn't enough for these asshats to make an Exorcist 4, they had to go and make it twice. So now there's like an Exorcist 4A and an Exorcist 4B, and since nobody called them out on it I wouldn't be surprised if they started pulling this kind of horseshit every chance they got. That's right, when they put out six different versions of Independence Day 2 next summer, you can pretty much blame yourself. Anyway, this is the first version, and it's basically the same old crap with a crispy, pretentious coating. The best is when the backup priest first figures out what's going on: "This boy is possessed!" he says. What was your first clue, Father Dipshit? He already told you he was possessed (twice), his cripple arm got better all by itself, his eyes are glowing, and he just threw you across the room in slow motion. Duh. (Actually, I don't know about that last part; the priest is flying in slow motion, but everything else in the room is moving at regular speed. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be all freaky, or if it's just some half-assed fuckup.) Meanwhile the locals are going all Zulu Dawn on everybody because they figure the whole thing is the white man's fault, which is usually the case so you really can't blame them. Everything just plods along for a while until finally it ends with the demon (he's a complete homo, by the way) fighting a priest who has nachos smeared all over his face while the sky turns into a half-assed Pink Floyd light show. Also there's a lion and some joker punches his old lady in the mouth. It's completely ridiculous, and don't even get me started on the hilariously bad cartoon effects. It's kind of hard to be scared when you're laughing your ass off at a cartoon cow.