Home

Dungeon of Harrow

(1962)

These two dudes get shipwrecked on this island after their toy boat* crashes on some rocks, and it turns out the island is run by this crazy guy who looks like J. Peterman from Seinfeld and lives in a castle with Dennis Rodman, a leper, some killer dogs, and a couple of chicks. The crazy guy thinks everybody's a pirate, so he locks one of the shipwrecked dudes in the dungeon and tortures him. Meanwhile the other dude macks on every piece of ass in the place, then gets bored and decides to hit the road.  J. Peterman's pissed that he's not getting any though, so he throws that dude to the leper and has Dennis Rodman finish off the other one. The main dude and one of the chicks manage to escape (they just leave the other chick behind to get Chinese water tortured to death), but Peterman isn't licked yet because he comes after them with his dogs. In the end he gets pissed and shoots Dennis Rodman though, so since he's outnumbered now (especially since the movie forgot that the dogs exist right about this part) the main dude is able to get the jump on him and take him out. Considering how much torture goes on in this boring piece of crap it's pretty fucking annoying that they don't show any of it, and of course neither of the chicks gets naked.

"Dungeon of Harlow" would've been way hotter:

*It's not too often you see a toy boat that's beneath even Gamera's standards, but this one definitely qualifies.