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Dungeons & Dragons

(1983-1985)

You might want to sit down and hold on to your dick,* because this is the greatest cartoon ever made. It's about these six kids who go on a roller coaster, but apparently it needed a safety inspection or something because it flies off the tracks and takes them to the land of Dungeons & Dragons, which, if you've ever had any friends who were virgins well into their twenties, you probably know is a place full of monsters and magic and treasure and all that good shit. The kids want to get back home, but the only cat willing to help is this hippie dwarf with male-pattern baldness and he's worse than useless, so they end up wandering around fighting monsters and every once in a while one of them falls in love just to break the monotony before they have to fight some more monsters. It sounds like your typical kids' show, but the people who made this must've really been trying to get fired or something because they put in all sorts of crazy shit: there's one where the kids hook up with a Nazi, there's one where they accidentally summon the Devil and he destroys the whole fucking planet, and there's even one where the good guys get fed up with the bad guy and decide to just off his monkey ass, which never happens in kids' shows because they're supposed to be all non-violent and shit, which is why nothing ever gets accomplished in any of them. Think about it: how many seasons of The Smurfs would they have needed if Papa Smurf just took a big stick and stabbed Gargamel in the eye one night while he was passed out drunk or something? Of course they still couldn't show blood spewing everywhere or naked chicks (which is too bad, 'cause the little redhead who rolls around this thing in a super-short miniskirt and thigh high boots is hot enough to make you go through puberty a second time), but they got away with just about everything else and it's fucking awesome. Seriously, if you don't go out and buy this right now then there's no other explanation: you're a fag. It rocks harder than anything that doesn't involve two drunk girls at the same time has ever rocked before.

*If you're a chick, you can hold on to mine.