Home

Dying to Be Perfect:
The Ellen Hart Peña Story

(1996)

Crystal Bernard wants to be in the Olympics and be in law school and screw the nerd mayor of Denver all at the same time. Obviously she's biting off more than she can chew, so she decides to throw a bunch of it back up. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Seriously though, she's one of those chicks who eats stuff and then makes herself hurl so she doesn't get fat, which I don't really have a problem with as long as they don't do it right after I buy them dinner because that's just fucking disrespectful. Money doesn't grow on trees you know, you vain bitches. Anyway, Crystal Bernard ends up marrying Mayor Nerd and things start out okay since he doesn't seem to notice that every time he kisses her it tastes like puke and sometimes she eats out of the trash. When she finally does gets called out she blames everyone else (of course), and even whines that she had to shove her whole hand down her throat to get shit rolling: "See, I wasn't lucky that way- throwing up wasn't easy for me!" (On the flip side I'll bet she could deep-throat three or even four dudes at the same time now, so at least she's learning a skill.)

Crystal Bernard's pretty fucking hot, but she sure does make some crappy movies.