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Endangered Species

(1982)

Of all the stupid supernatural crap people worried about in the 1970s, "cattle mutilation" had to be one of the dumbest.* "They done kilt muh cows!" Who cares, you fucking yokel? Anyway, in this flick two cops (one's a drunk prick, the other one's a cunt) decide to solve the mystery and eventually it turns out that the Government is behind it all because they need the cows for their germ warfare experiments or something. Okay, so let me get this straight: instead of just buying their own cows they decided it would be easier to steal them with a helicopter and then concoct like this enormous conspiracy that includes inventing a fake satanic cult to take the blame and murdering people? That's fucking retarded. And don't even get me started about the poisoned toothbrush that makes a guy's stomach explode (at least this part was disgusting), or the end where hundreds of pickup trucks full of shotgun-wielding rednecks come racing to the rescue. There are a couple of okay parts - it's always hilarious to see cows dropped out of a helicopter or jumping through a wall when they're on fire, and the prick cop's teenage daughter isn't half bad - but overall this movie is just too damn retarded.

They never did figure out who was mutilating all those cows in real life by the way, but my money is on the Irish.

*Right behind whether or not plants can think, and they made a fucking movie about that too.