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Evangelism Training Videos

(2003)

This video about how to harass people with Jesus is a "CD-ROM", which means it only works on your computer. So if you don't have a computer you won't be able to watch it, and if that's the case then consider yourself one lucky son of a bitch. It starts with this guy Dale P. Kruse telling you to ask Jesus how much time you're supposed to spend watching the CD-ROM. Since Jesus is dead, or a ghost or whatever, I figured some miracle would have to happen so I could talk to him. There used to be this water stain on the windows of a building down the street that everyone said was a miracle because it looked like Jesus' mom or something if you squinted just right and were really, really stupid, but some kid shot the windows out with a pellet gun a while back, so I decided I would just have to do it the easy and wait until Jesus appeared to me in like some food product or something. I tried eating all kinds of shit - donut sticks, corn chips, Wendy's - but he never showed up. I guess that only works for Mexicans. I finally decided I would just watch the CD-ROM until I got bored or a really hot chick stopped over, whichever came first.

So anyway, next Dale P. Kruse says the Bible is 100% real in every possible way, even ways they haven't thought of yet, because it says so in the Bible (fuckin' retard). He also says that Jesus "wants us to bring as many men and women as we can with us into his kingdom." I didn't know Jesus demanded suicide bombings and shit, but I was usually drawing UFOs fighting Nazis in Sunday school so maybe I just missed that part. Dale P. Kruse goes on and says everyone who doesn't agree with him sucks, and if you meet any of those people you should "show them what's wrong with their thinking". Yeah, people love that. Here's a couple other things this clown does:

-He goes to a park and reads about Jesus to this total stranger, except I don't think he's really a "stranger" because he's wearing a microphone. After he tells the guy all about Jesus, Dale P. Kruse picks him up (faggot). Later, the same dude comes up to Dale P. Kruse and reads to him about Jesus. What the fuck? Didn't Dale P. Kruse already know about Jesus? I guess they want to look good on paper, so they're just going to keep saving each other's souls so that, technically, they have like a 100% success rate.

-He talks about how he found Jesus when he fasted with his dog for like two weeks, then had an "encounter" with Satan "in his bedroom". Sounds more like he should be finding the cops in his bedroom, arresting him for cruelty to animals and shit. Actually, that's probably what really happened, and the dude he thought was the Devil was really his cellmate making him his bitch.

There's tons more crazy shit on this disc, so if you're into really fucked-up people who won't shut up about Jesus and are probably like latent homosexuals or whatever, this is definitely the CD-ROM for you. I think you can still order it from this guy's website, but if I were you I would use a P.O. Box so you don't end up having like a surprise "encounter" with him "in your bedroom".