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Exorcist: The Beginning

(2004)

This is Exorcist 4, take 2; the main priest is the same guy who was in the first version, but the sidekick priest is a new cat who looks like he's fresh out of junior high. Seriously, it's a good thing they don't have streetlights in the African desert, because he would probably have to be home before they came on. Other than that almost everything about this version is better: a guy slits his own throat; a chick has her period all over the floor, which is always gross but usually better than a chick not having her period; and there's a huge, gory battle where everybody just starts killing each other. They did blow it with the cartoon hyenas though; seriously, would it have been so hard to train real hyenas to attack that little kid? Actually it probably would be, so never mind. Incidentally, they also trot out cartoon crows, cartoon flies, and a cartoon butterfly; this movie has more cartoon animals than the goddamned Laff-A-Lympics. Fortunately they make up for it with plenty of blood, a demon chick I'd probably fuck if I had a six pack in me, and the best quote in any Exorcist movie yet: "Having orgies including goats doesn't make them possessed, simply horny. And inventive." Well said, Padre.