Home

The Fallen Ones

(2005)

It can't be easy to make a mummy movie stupider than The Mummy Returns, but these guys totally succeeded. It starts when an archeologist dude finds this giant mummy. One of his partners is this hot blonde chick- she acts like she's the bomb, but she's so goddamned stupid that every time anybody uses a word bigger than "fuck me" she's all confused and they have to explain it to her. Anyway, this evil angel wants to fuck the blonde and end the world, I guess in that order, so he brings the mummy back to life. You would think that the next thing that would happen is that the giant mummy would start fucking shit up, but as retarded as that is I guess it wasn't quite retarded enough for the fuckshit morons who made this piece of crap. Instead, everybody gets attacked by this huge robot we never saw before that's made out of wood and ropes and stuff. It looks like a Shogun Warrior built by Webelos. I figured in the end the good guys would use the giant wooden robot to fight the giant mummy and at least that could be cool in theory or whatever, but they just push the robot in a hole and forget about it, then kill the mummy with a flood. I don't know who the fuck makes these movies for the Sci-Fi channel, but I know that if some people came into my office with a movie that had a giant wooden robot and a giant mummy and they didn't fight, I would kick the living shit out of all of them and they would never work in this fucking town again.