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The Fantastic Journey

(1976)

All these clowns, including that super-annoying kid who was always in shitty 1970s movies and TV shows,* are on this boat in the Bermuda Triangle when this green fog appears. (One guy says the fog is a "color I've never seen." Dude, it's green. Jackass.) The fog teleports them to this island, where they see all these plants and animals and shit that shouldn't be there because of science or whatever. An Indian shows up to help them, but later it turns out he's really this future guy who knows how to find places on the island that can teleport you around. He's also kind of a moron, because he forgets about half the people from the boat and leaves them behind, so they end up getting caught by some old-time English guys on horses. Everybody goes back to save their friends, and they pretty much clean the limey guys' clocks, but one of the good guys gets killed when he tries to steal their leader's treasure and gets bit by this trained cobra that guards it (that's fucking ridiculous, but whatever). The good guys decide to travel to this mountain where the Indian says there's a way home, but they get separated and then these other future people with glass eggs show up and take half the group to this Logan's Run city. The city is run by a half-deflated rubber brain that lives in a pan of red cream soda and wants to eat them or something, but fortunately this housecat knows what's going down so it goes to get help from this super-hot alien chick with killer legs who can talk to animals and lives under the city with a bunch of pot-growing rebels.** The evil future people replace the annoying kid with a clone or something so the brain will have time to eat him, but the good guys figure it out and they team up with the rebels and destroy the brain. Now that that's settled, the hot alien chick joins the rest of the good guys so they can have more adventures which I hope I never see because this one made my fucking head hurt. Those were some great legs, though.

*I hate that fucker.

**That has got to be the most fucked-up sentence ever written.