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Fire Serpent

(2007)

Wow, a horror movie about fire. If they threw some thunder and maybe an eclipse in there they might finally nail down that elusive caveman audience. At any rate fire can already kill you, so this movie tries to make it scarier by having it possess people, levitate shit, and drive a goddamned truck. That's right, in this movie fire drives a truck. That sounds like the ad for a really stupid movie about truckers: "Fire drives a truck. Frank Stallone is John Fire in Fire on the Freeway!" And of course the hero is a fireman, which must've taken the dipshits who made this almost a nanosecond to come up with. A couple of things do explode, but that's not enough to make it worth sitting through the rest of this asinine crap, especially since all the chicks are ugly and none of them show us their tits, which would definitely be in like their best interest because it would distract people from their faces. I guess when cute actresses get the call to be in a movie about evil fire they figure that one or two more months of waiting tables or turning tricks is probably a better career choice.