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The First Valentine

(1989)

This little girl doesn't want to do her paper about Valentine's Day, so her teacher tells her the story about how it was invented and shit (which means he's basically doing her report for her, but I guess he didn't think of that):

It all takes place back in Roman times when they used to kill Christians instead of just letting them run around making all kinds of trouble (also known as "the good old days"). This one Christian dude Valentine performs like this illegal wedding, so some Roman soldiers crash it and arrest almost everybody. Valentine wants to get messages to the prisoners and shit, so he sends this little blind girl. That plan doesn't pan out so well (duh), so Valentine ends up trading himself for all the other idiots, the Romans feed his ass to the wolves, and according to this movie that's why you have to buy your girlfriend candy on February 14, even though her goddamn ass is fat enough already. Oh yeah, and God cures the blind girl with a magic Valentine card. He didn't bother saving that guy Valentine from becoming wolf chow though, because he moves in mysterious ways, which is basically a nice way of saying he's either a jerk or doesn't really exist.

In the end the little girl from the beginning gives her report and everyone applauds, then her teacher gets fired for talking about religion in the classroom. Well, that last part doesn't really happen, but it should have.