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Five

(1951)

There's a nuclear war, and at first it looks like the only person left is this mediocre, excitable twat who just stumbles around the middle of the street yelling. Eventually she finds another survivor though, this cat who says he was on top of the Empire State Building when New York got hit by a nuclear bomb. What? Bullshit. He may be full of crap, but at least he's a gentleman- he waits almost two days before he tries to rape her. Eventually a couple more goofballs show up, and another drip washes up on the beach (duh), so now there's FIVE. I get it. Not much happens after that- the old guy dies, the European guy acts like a dick, and in the most hilarious part they all talk about what they miss the most and the black guy says "ribs". There's no zombies, no mutants, and no marauding bands of people dressed like punk rockers, so I guess it's trying to be one of those "important" nuclear war movies like The Day After or something, and we all know how exciting "important" movies usually are. It would be an easy joke to say that on a scale of one to ten I give it a FIVE, but I'm not gonna do that. I give it a zero.