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Flash Gordon

(2007)

If you like Flash Gordon get ready for your golden shower, because the assholes who made this piece of shit have dick in hand and you're the target. First off, instead of being awesome and a total pimp, they decided to make Flash Gordon a metrosexual loser who lives with his mom. As if that isn't bad enough, instead of having him go to the planet Mongo and meet up with aliens and have all sorts of amazing adventures, this version takes place in Maryland. Fucking Maryland! Are they out of their goddamned minds??? Even Ming the Merciless is lame- instead of wanting to like subjugate the universe, his big goal is to steal Flash Gordon's watch! It's unbelievable. I know this was made by the Sci-Fi Channel and they find a way to fuck everything up, but I still can't believe they turned Flash Gordon into a show about a guy who travels to the furthest reaches of Maryland to thwart a pickpocket. I don't see why they didn't just dig up the cat who invented Flash Gordon, take pictures of everyone jerking off on his face, and then post them on the Internet. It would've cost a lot less money and basically been the same thing. This is literally the worst TV show ever made, with the possible exception of the one in Halloween III that made your head explode and bugs come out of it. If anybody who had anything to do with this ever gets another job in the entertainment industry that doesn't involve fetching coffee or mopping up Amy Winehouse's puke it'll be a fucking miracle, and by "miracle" of course I mean "travesty of justice". Nice job, douchebags.