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Flash Gordon

(1979-1980)

Here's a cartoon that kicks some serious ass. There's two seasons on this DVD: the first one is pretty much the same story as Flash Gordon: The Greatest Adventure of All, except now it's like 6 hours long so a lot more shit happens. That's okay though, because it never gets boring: for one thing, everybody's fighting almost all the time, and it's not like most old cartoons where they're these huge candy-asses about it and no one ever gets hurt or anything- tons of people get blown up and disintegrated and all sorts of shit. They don't do anything half-assed, either; like in one part these two guys have to fight on a tightrope over "fire acid", as if fighting on a tightrope over just fire or just acid isn't hardcore enough. Plus there's even more crazy hot pussy running around than in the short version: evil princesses, ice queens, blue witches... the list just goes on and on and every single one of them wants to get on Flash Gordon's jock. Captain Kirk doesn't hold a candle to this pimp. I don't know what kind of crazy space VD he would've ended up with if he actually dipped his wick in all those alien bitches, but even if it made him go blind and his junk fell off it would have been fucking worth it. And as if all that isn't cool enough, there's a bunch of cats in chapters 10 & 11 that look just like me. Sweet.

I guess they decided they wanted more retards and girls to watch the show, because in the second season they take out all the cool stuff and replace it with this fucking annoying little pink dragon. He's one of those cartoon characters that you spend the whole program hoping will die, even though you know he won't- like Scrappy-Doo or Rickety Rocket. Instead of cool endings where people are hanging off cliffs or getting attacked by dinosaurs and you have to tune in next week to see what happens, now all the shows end with the little dragon blowing smoke hearts or something and everyone standing around laughing. The number one sign of a bad cartoon is when it ends with everyone standing around laughing. The thing they're laughing at usually isn't even funny. Fucking halfwits.

It's too bad they fucked up season two, but Baby Jesus already set aside a special place in hell for the bastards who came up with that pink dragon, and season one still totally rocks, so you can buy this DVD with like a clean conscience. It's probably the best Flash Gordon movie or TV show they ever made, except of course for the porno but then that goes without saying.